Oh, Soul...

"Soul, why are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me?"- Psalm 42:5

David's words from Psalm 42 have been echoing in my mind the last few days.  And I find that I am uttering very similar words to my own soul.

Soul, why can't you snap out of it?

Soul, why are you so worried?

Soul, why are you so disheartened?

Soul, why do you feel so hopeless?

Soul, when will you rejoice again?  WHEN?

I know I often blog about this dry, desert season I am in.  And if you read, you may be thinking to yourself..."this season is never ending,"  and the truth is, it feels that way most of the time.  The honest truth is that there are days when I feel like the Lord has forgotten all about me. Prayers all around me are being answered, but my prayers are exhausted and hard to speak.  There are more days than not that I feel like I am blindly walking through this life, just holding on to that last bit of hope with all of my might.

The Lord has been very quiet in this season of life.  And I am desperately longing for His voice.  For just an "It's going to be ok.  I've got this."  My head knows that my heart and life are being held in His hands.  My head knows exactly what His word tells me.  The truth.  But my poor soul...my poor, weak, little soul is struggling.

David puts it so accurately when he says "My soul pants for you, God.  My soul thirsts for you."  There is nothing I want more than to feel close to the Lord.  To feel like I did in the days before this season began.  For my soul to be quieted by His love, and His grace.  For my soul to truly understand that despite all the gloominess, that there is always a reason to rejoice.  I have to find my Joy again.  And even though it may feel as if the Lord has left my side, He is right there.  Ready to pour His joy into me.  Ready to take this soul and change it.  So, for now, my soul needs a major pep talk...

Soul, it is going to be ok!

Soul, the Lord will quiet you with singing!

Soul, there is always HOPE!

Soul, a time of rejoicing is coming!

"My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you (your goodness, your mercy, your love, your sacrifice, your peace)..."  Psalm 42:6

Lord, bring to mind all the things you have done.  All the miracles.  All the healing.  All the beautiful things. All the ways you have rescued me. And let these things bring joy to my soul--even on the hardest of days.

Be Blessed!

 

What 2013 Taught Me...

Another year is gone.  Just like that, it is over.  And a new year is here.  I still can't believe it is already 2014!  This past year, like every year, had it's highs and lows, challenges, and joys.  And every year, there are lessons to be learned.  Here are the things that 2013 taught me...

• Life goes so quickly.  And I feel like the older I get, the faster the years seem to whiz by.  I often take time for granted, wishing for what the future holds, and not living in the here and now.  And I have missed out on a lot of joy because of that.  No more of that.

• God's love for me is perfect.  I have always known this--but this year I feel like I have actually learned what that truly means.  When something is perfect--it is unwavering.  And that means that God doesn't love me more when I am doing everything right, and He doesn't love me less when I am a huge mess.  Finally getting that fact has changed my life.  Seriously.

•   Letting go doesn't mean giving up.  This year I made a huge decision to let go of my plan.  And that was hard.  Really, really hard.  It broke my heart a bit.  But the second I let go, God took over and began pouring out the blessings.  There are so many things I am still praying for, and believing for, but I think I am right where I should be for now. 

• I belong in the classroom.  After a few confusing years of not teaching--I have realized that teaching is my calling, no matter how hard I tried to fight it.  Another thing I have realized is that teaching is my gift.  And instead of wishing I had a different gift, a more "spiritual" gift, I am thankful that God has given me such an amazing opportunity to love on the kids that enter my classroom every single day.  Teaching is a huge responsibility--especially when you think of it in the spiritual manner.  What I do and say each day matters.  Maybe not today, or next year, but it will influence my students.

• No matter how busy life gets-you have to make time for what is most important.  This year has been so incredibly busy.  I have been working a ton.  My hubby has been working a ton.  And while we love our jobs, and want to give our jobs our very best, sometimes we have to let go of things.  Let's be honest--our relationships with Jesus, our spouse, our family, our friends--those are the things that matter most.  In order to have any relationship--you must give it time, and attention.  I don't want to lose sight of what matters.

So, now that it is 2014, I am sure there are a million more lessons to be learned, mistakes to be made, and fun to be had.  And I welcome that.  My hubby and I were talking about our "goals" for 2014, and I can say that my goal is just to love better.  To love Jesus more.  To love my husband more.  To love my family and friends better.  To love others with a selfless heart.  And to love myself the way God created me.  Because, friends, that is what it is all about.

Happy New Year and blessings to you all!  I have no doubt that 2014 is going to be exploding with God's goodness.

When You Choose Joy...

I think we can all agree that this life is not always rainbows and butterflies.  Life is hard.  It is full of new challenges every single day.  And sometimes, those challenges can give you jaded vision. Sometimes those challenges can lead you down a path that takes you to a place you would rather not be. And one day you wake up and wonder how you even got to that place. 

I can testify this from experience.  I mentioned in my last post that I had gotten to one of those "something's gotta give" places.  I got to a point where I decided I could either be miserable or I could CHOOSE joy.  I could CHOOSE Jesus.

It isn't always easy, friends.  And I hate to admit that.   I know, deep down, that I will always choose Jesus--but that means letting go.  I am not good at that.  It's hard to let go of the hurts, and the confusion, and the questions.  It is hard to let go of expectations and feelings of inadequacy.  But what I realize, time and time and time again, is that when I do--things become clearer.  My spirit longs for Jesus again.  My heart trusts.  Those things that seem unbearable suddenly are healed.  Those things that seem impossible, become possible again.  And you cannot help but be joyful.

By choosing joy again, my life has been changing.  In a REALLY GOOD WAY.  I find myself desiring Jesus more and more.  Craving my time with Him.  I find myself praying that I will allow Him to satisfy my soul.  That my joy will come solely from knowing that HE LOVES ME.  He loves my heart.  And the relationship I have with Him is the most sacred relationship that I could ever have--and it's just between me and Him.   And it doesn't have to look a certain way.  My relationship with Jesus doesn't have to look just like hers...or his...or theirs...no, it is mine.  I have focused my eyes back on what is really important.  And I pray from the depths of my heart, that my eyes will stay fixed on Jesus.  And when those trials come again (and we all know they will) that instead of turning to the right or the left and seeing trial after trial--I will only see Jesus.

So, choose joy, friends.  I had a dear friend tell me that you may have to make that choice every day...or every hour...or every minute.  But always choose joy.

Be Blessed!

Time for a "Catch Up" Blog

Wow.  It has been a long time since I last blogged.  Life has been full of changes, events, and just a whole lot of busyness.  I figured I would write a quick blog to catch up on what has been going on--list style of course!

• I started teaching again this year.  Kindergarten.  I forgot how much energy those little munchkins have!  It has been absolutely crazy, challenging, stressful--but so incredibly rewarding and beautiful at the same time.  I knew from the beginning that me getting this job was no coincidence.  The way that GOD worked it all out--was nothing of my own doing.  And there are days where I have to remind myself that He has equipped me to work with these kids.  I have already come to love them like they were my own.  Everyday their hugs and "I love yous" make all the tough days worth it! I think it has filled a void in my heart, for now, and I am thankful for that.

• My sweet sister got married a week ago.  It was so incredibly beautiful!   She was beautiful.  The whole thing...just beautiful!  It was so much fun being able to catch up with family and friends and to get away for a weekend!  I made it through my responsibilities of singing during the ceremony and giving a toast without completely bursting into tears.  I consider that a huge accomplishment!  And I realized that my hubby has some killer moves on the dance floor :)

• Now for a bit of honesty...I think that I came to one of those "rock bottom" places in life over the last several months.  I slipped into a place that was full of sadness, hopelessness, and even some bitterness.  I didn't want to see friends.  I didn't want to do anything but sleep. I definitely did not feel close to God.  And I felt like I was losing my mind. I finally reached a place where I realized that I was just letting Satan win.  I was basically handing my joy right over to him without a fight.  I think in life we can probably say that we all get tired of fighting sometimes.  Just plain worn out.  Especially when it seems like things are never going to get better.  But friends, we have to just keep fighting, and we don't have to do it alone.  I finally broke down one day, and begged the Lord to heal my heart and to fill me with hope again.  And, long story short, He was faithful to answer me.  For the first time in a really long time, I feel peace.  Peace with where God has placed me right now.  And instead of asking "why?" over and over, I am trusting that He knows what He is doing.  It is pretty apparent to me that when I try to do it by myself, I fail.  EVERY TIME.

• I desperately desire more Jesus.  And in the craziness that is my life right now, I am learning how important it is to make time for just being still and spending time with Him.

• I am pretty sure I have the Christmas bug...and pretty sure I am going to start decorating next weekend.  Before Thanksgiving {GASP!}.   I love this time of the year.  And for the last two years, David and I didn't get to decorate because we were moving--so I plan to do it big this year!

• On the health side of life--I have been sick, alot.  Nothing horrible, just enough to make me feel miserable.  On top of that, I have lost ten pounds since I started teaching.  I mean, I am not going to say that I don't like losing ten pounds, but I don't like losing it because of stress and unhealthy eating habits.  So, all that to say, I could use your prayers.  I desperately need to get better at taking care of my body--eating healthier and exercising.  I know I would feel a lot better :)

Well, I think that is all for now :)  Or at least all I can think of.  Until next time...(and hopefully it won't be three months!)

Be blessed!

A Reminder...

Last night, I was attempting to sleep.  But I couldn't.  My mind and heart were racing.  And my spirit felt crushed.  I pleaded in thought that God would give me just a glimmer, just a glimpse of what is to come, just a reminder that He has my deepest concerns in His hands.  A reminder that when my heart hurts, He knows, and more importantly, He cares.

I did what I always do--I put earphones in, cranked up the praise music, and disappeared to a place that allows me to just rest in His presence. I sat and listened to the God breathed lyrics, and every song that happened to come on my Bethel Pandora station reminded me that the God I serve is beautiful.  And BIG.  Bigger than any feeling or emotion.  Bigger than the huge boulder that seems too heavy to move.  Bigger than the range of mountains that look impossible to climb. And the fact that God is that big, but still loves me and cares about me...literally brings me to tears.

Hillsong's This is Our God came on.  And the lyrics--"I will fall at Your feet, and worship You here,"  just pierced my soul.

I can come to Him and fall at His feet...
broken
tired
confused
heartbroken
weary
And He accepts my worship.


I can worship Him...
 right here
right where I am in this life
in the midst of trial

I can worship Him because He is...
GOOD
MIGHTY
JUST
BEAUTIFUL
STRONG
MY REFUGE
THE LOVER OF MY SOUL
MY REDEEMER
CREATOR 
MERCIFUL 
FULL OF GRACE
MY FRIEND
MY SAVIOR
THE ONE WHO KNOWS MY HEART
HOPE
MY ANCHOR


No matter what we see in this life--He will always be all of those things. He will always be everything that I need.  Nothing can or will ever change that.

Be blessed!

An Ode to Friendship...

This post may be a bit sappy.

Sorry {but not really}.

This morning, I was sitting on my couch, sipping coffee and having a conversation with Jesus.  It felt amazing to be in His presence.  I started praying for my sweet friends, and I got a bit choked up.  Ok, a lot choked up.  And an overwhelming sense of thankfulness flooded my heart.

You see, I have the greatest friends in the world.  Really, I do.  I have done nothing to deserve such great people in my life, but I am so thankful God decided to cross our paths.

I had a conversation with my wise sis-in-law, Christy, not too long ago, and she reminded me of this story.  Such a beautiful portrait of what friendship is...

"And it came to pass, when Moses held up his hand, that Israel prevailed: and when he let down his hand, Amalek prevailed. But Moses' hands were heavy; and they took a stone, and put it under him, and he sat thereon; and Aaron and Hur stayed up his hands, the one on the one side, and the other on the other side; and his hands were steady until the going down of the sun."

Exodus 17:11-12

I can say that my friends are very much like Aaron and Hur.  When I felt like I couldn't hold my arms up any longer, that I was just too weak, those very friends swooped in and held my arms up for me.  They were my support.  They were able to be strong for me when I just couldn't be.  Isn't that how friendship should be? 

So, this post is an ode to friendship.  

God gave me the greatest friends in college--Katie and Merry.  I prayed for them before I ever knew them--and God went beyond my expectations when He blessed my life with their friendship.  They have seen the good in me, and the not so good, and have loved me unconditionally.  They have inspired me, and kept me accountable.  Their lives and stories are a constant encouragement to me--the way they seek Jesus is just beautiful.  No matter the distance between us (and that distant is about to get exponentially larger!!), we will always be a part of each others lives.  I praise God for them :)

Then there is my sweet circle of girlfriends I have here in Pensacola.  I don't even know what to say about these women.  All I know is that God knew I needed them.  I have never doubted that God brought us back to live in this area for a reason--and I truly believe that one of those reasons was so that I could be a part of a family of sisters who truly seek Jesus.  These women are real, and they have allowed me to be real and honest.  They have allowed me to let my guard down.  I can't even express in words how much these ladies mean to me.  I have never felt more loved by a group of girls.  They are truly my spiritual sisters.  And when these girls say they are praying for you, they mean it!  It is amazing to see how God placed us all together--how we have had different situations, but very similar journeys.  How we have been able to encourage one another, cry with one another, and definitely laugh with one another!  So, to you girls (and you know who you are)--I love you.  I am thankful for each of you. So very thankful.

And lastly, there is my sister.  My one and only little sis.  Over the years, I have seen our relationship blossom into a beautiful friendship.  We are as different as can be, but I think that is why we get along so well!  I love that we will always have a connection, as sisters, that I can never have with anyone else.  My sis is getting married soon, and I feel so incredibly honored that I get to stand beside her on that day.  She is beautiful, inside and out.  Love you, sissy.

Take some time today to love on your friends.  They say that good friends are hard to come by :)  so hold on to your friendships with all you have and be intentional!  I will end with this sweet little quote from the very wise Winnie the Pooh:  

"No one can see the seeds of friendship, but they grow in to something beautiful."

Be blessed!

Pray Without Ceasing...

Prayer.  The lifeline to the very God who knit us together--who knows our every thought.

We pray when we are thankful.  When we are terrified.  When we need something bigger than ourselves.

And God--He hears us.  Even when our mouths can't even formulate the words, He knows.

You know, there are things that I have been praying for over the last 3 years.  Big things.  And at times, it took all I had to even mutter the words to Jesus.  Because it felt like He didn't hear me. 

But I kept on praying.  Even if it was as simple as saying "please help me, Lord."  The Word tells us to pray without ceasing.  So, I tried to do just that.

I know that God is faithful.  And when I look back on my life, and see how He worked everything out, how His hand was on me and the ones I love, I am amazed.  Recently, God answered a prayer.  In an unexpected place and time.  And it was literally the most beautiful thing I have experienced in a really long time.  Because God was there...His presence was so evident and so strong.  I can't even put into words what it did for this doubtful heart of mine.  Once again...God completely blew my mind.

Be encouraged...God hears you.  He works things out in His perfect time.  So, be patient...pray without ceasing...and you will see the goodness of the Lord.  I have a feeling that I am going to have some amazing things to blog about...God is up to something big!

Be Blessed!!
Jenn

{P.S.  No, I am not pregnant...for those of you who are bound to ask :)  But we are trusting and believing for that, too!}