Never Give Up Hope...

Almost three years ago exactly, Hubby and I were sitting in a doctor's office praying to hear the heartbeat of our baby after experiencing what we thought could have been miscarriage symptoms. I was very newly pregnant and had no clue what was going on with my body, but I was scared. I was trying with all my might to be hopeful-because I knew that God was capable of anything.  And then, we got the horrible news that there was no baby, and no heartbeat.  The doctor told us they thought it was an ectopic pregnancy, but that my body was "taking care of things" like it should be.  No medication needed.  No surgery needed.  For that we were grateful.  

Although my body seemed to be functioning correctly, my heart was a shattered mess.  I went through so many emotions- anger, confusion, pain, sadness.  There were times when I was so angry with God, but so thankful at the same time that He was with me.  My doctor at the time assured me that I seemed healthy.  That 1 in 4 women miscarry...that it was sadly common.  She told me that she was so sure I would have a healthy pregnancy.

And here I sit, three years later, wondering why my body has not done what it is supposed to do.  Why God hasn't answered the millions of prayers I have prayed.  Why my heart still feels like it is missing a piece.  

I don't say all of this to gain sympathy, but to say that even though it all, I have never lost my hope.   And I am still hoping.  And always will until God blesses us with a child, or tells us no, or leads us down a different path.  Even through it all, God has taught me more about who He truly is than I could have imagined.  The amount of Grace He has poured over me continues to amaze me.  Knowing that the tears I have cried have not been in vain.  That HE LOVES ME.  He has never left me.  He has not forgotten me.  The Lord has taught me that there is so much truth in the fact that when I am weak, He makes me strong.  

My wise Hubby asked me if I desired a baby more than the will of God.  And I had a hard time answering.  He encouraged me to pray for the will of God, WHATEVER that may be.  And that is truly what my heart longs for.To be in the will of God-EVEN IF that means I may never be a mom.  I believe in my heart that I will be a mom one day in God's timing, but if not, I want to be able to say "Okay, God, I trust you." And mean it.

Whatever you may be going through in your life, don't give up.  God isn't through with you or your story.  You aren't forgotten or alone. He loves you.  And if you have lost your faith, look around you.  God is everywhere.  I will end this post with some bits from Psalm 13.  I have never related more to a scripture than this. Focus on all that God has already done in your life and the lives around You, and trust that He will keep working all things together for the good of those who love Him!

"How long, Lord?  Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide Your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts, 

And day after day have sorrow in my heart?

-------

But I trust in Your unfailing love.

My heart rejoices in Your salvation.

I will sing to the Lord,

For He has been good to me!

Psalm 13: 1-2, 5-6

Be Blessed!

When You Just Can't Bounce Back...

Here comes some honesty.

I usually get over things pretty quickly--as in I am a glass half full kind of girl.  I have always been one to look for the good in things, no matter how hard they may seem at the time.  And that has helped me through the trials I have faced in my life up until this point.

Then the loss of a baby, and a dream.  And the "bouncing back" just isn't coming easily to me.  Not this time. 

I don't know how I was expecting to feel.  But it wasn't like this.  I haven't been able to feel much of anything the last few weeks.  Just numbness.  This is a new feeling for this overly emotional girl.  And just when I feel like I am beginning to heal--something else happens--and it makes it seem like this is never going to end.  The thought of even trying to have kids again--I just can't even really entertain the thought right now.  And that makes me sad.

On the health side of this, my body hasn't been cooperating exactly like it should.  I am still experiencing "miscarriage symptoms" five weeks after the fact, and my hormone levels are going  down, but are dropping very slowly.  Thankfully, after a visit with my doctor today, I was assured that there is no need for medication or surgery, and that my body is doing what it is supposed to, just very slowly...

So--all in all, I am ready for this to be over.  I want to move on.  I want to heal, physically and emotionally.  I'm just over it all.

Despite all of this--God has still been faithful to me.  I heard one of my all time favorite songs today--My Redeemer Lives by Nicole Mullen...an oldie but a goodie.  One of verses says this--and it was exactly what I needed to be reminded of today...

The very same God that spins things in orbit

Runs to the weary, the worn and the weak

And the same gentle hands

That hold me when I'm broken

They've conquered death to bring me victory.

 

And that, my friends, is truth.  That despite the trials we may face, God is holding us in His hands--those very hands that formed everything we see around us.  Those hands that pick us up, and guide us through the valley moments.  And despite those times when we feel like nothing will ever get better, we can hold on to the promise that we have victory because of Christ.  

I have been so thankful to those of you who have been lifting me up in words, and thoughts, and prayers.  You have no idea how blessed I have been by your outpouring of love and thoughtfulness.  I know that restoration is coming for me--and I know that this is not the end for my dreams of being a mom. Stay tuned because I know there will be more to this story...God's plan is perfect!

Be blessed!
Jenn

Trusting God with a Broken Heart...

I have so many emotions locked up inside of me that I feel at any moment I could just explode.  Or cry.  Or scream.  Maybe writing it out can help.  Worth a try.

The last four weeks of my life have gone from total elation and excitement...thankfulness--to fear and uncertainty--to extreme heartache.  It has been hard--maybe one of the hardest times I have ever been through.  I would love to tell you that I know everything will be okay eventually--I know it in my head, but my heart has some catching up to do.

Here's the story:
Four weeks ago I found out I was pregnant.  I was finally going to be a Mommy.  I was finally going to have my biggest dream fulfilled.  I was thankful, so very thankful.  Anyone who truly knows me knows that I have wanted to have a baby more than anything, so getting to see those two pink lines on the pregnancy test was one of the happiest moments of my life.

We were so excited that we told our parents,siblings, and close friends.  My parents could not have been more overjoyed at the thought of finally becoming grandparents.  My sister-in-law is pregnant, so we were excited to go through pregnancy together.  Oh our sweet babies would be the same age, best friends.  Everything seemed almost too good to be true.

Then, the bleeding started.  And panic began to creep it's way in.

I made a doctor's appointment.  She said everything seemed okay, but we would do a 48 hour HcG test to make sure my hormone levels were doubling.  This was the longest 48 hours of my life.  But I trusted God...I trusted His will for my life and my baby--and despite fleeting moments of fear, I felt peace that I knew could only have come from Him.

48-hours--and then the results.  Hormone levels went down, but not enough to think it was a miscarriage.  Wait 10 more days for an ultrasound.  10 DAYS.  This wait was almost unbearable.  Deep in my heart I think I knew that something was wrong.  But I tried to stay hopeful. If God wanted to save this baby, He could. 

10 long days of an emotional rollercoaster, trying to prepare myself for the worst--an almost impossible task.  We went in for our ultrasound the same morning that Tropical Storm Isaac hit.  And there it was--no baby.  No heartbeat.  I couldn't even look at the screen because I knew.  Deep down inside, I knew.

Miscarriage.  That word I had feared for three weeks.  There it was.  And I lost it.  The tears came, and I wasn't sure if they were going to stop. 

My friends and family had been awaiting the news, they had been praying diligently.  The sweetest texts and phone calls began to come in.  My amazing parents stopped what they were doing, and drove all the way to my house in horrible weather just so they could hug me.  My amazing girlfriends, who have genuinely become so much more than friends, but rather family, sent me a bouquet of sunshine to cheer me up.  Even in the midst of heartache, I have so much to be grateful for. 

It has been one week since the news.  And there are moments that I feel at peace, there are moments of intense sadness, and there are even moments of anger.  I don't understand--but I am trying to remember that God's plan is perfect.  His plan for me is perfect.  This loss is just part of my story.  And as for my sweet baby--well, I like to think that God loved that baby so much that He couldn't stand not to have it in Heaven with Him. 

Now comes the healing--physically and emotionally.  Now comes the part where I trust God with my broken-to-a-million-pieces heart.  I have to.  Now comes the rebuilding.  I have to continue to let God work, and trust that His plan for me is going to blow my mind.  I have seen His goodness and restoration in my life already, and for that I am thankful.

Sorry this post is so heavy, but this was part of my testimony--and I know in the days, months to come that God is going to do some amazing work in my life--and I can't wait to share.

Be blessed!
Jenn