The Love of God...

God is so faithful.

The way He loves me--so tenderly--is far more than I can understand.  He is so beautiful.  And just. And He continues to pour out so much grace, because I can never get enough of it.

The last four years have been a challenge for my faith.  The questions. The quiet.  The wondering...What is God's plan?  What is He piecing together in the spiritual realm to answer this ragged heart's cry of the physical realm?  Does He really love me?  

There have been moments where I have felt so far from the warmth of God.  His comfort.  And, although I never doubted His presence, I doubted His love for me. His plan for me.  I desperately wanted to feel close to God again.  To feel like I was walking hand in hand with Him, instead of running the opposite direction in fear.  And I wondered why I just couldn't seem to get there, to get to that place again where it was just me and God, me and the One who stitched together this heart of mine, and who is the only One who can heal the scars.

I have been in this place for far too long.  The place where the doubt runs deep, and seeps into every waking thought.  I keep trying to fight the supernatural with logic.  But God, He isn't logical.  He is miraculous.  And full of surprises.  And so full of love for this doubting heart.  

For a long time, I stopped praying for the longings of my heart, because it hurt everytime I tried to mutter the words.  But I have started talking to God again.  And He has been so faithful to listen with the most tenderness and patience.  And I can't feel anything but gracious.  Because He always welcomes us back to Him without judgement, or anger, and with His arms wide open.  

I feel like I am starting to understand His love again.  I have never felt it more.  And never needed it more than I do right now.  God knows every part of me.  He knows my heart, and He loves it.  This year I am letting God fight my battles.  I am stepping back, being still, and letting Him fight for me.  My hope will always be in Him, and I pray that I never lose sight of the fact that hoping is not in vain.  The prayers, the tears, none of it is in vain.  

As 2016 approaches, I pray you will all deeply know the love of God.  That is will fill you, and grow you, and seep out of you.  

Be blessed.

Never Give Up Hope...

Almost three years ago exactly, Hubby and I were sitting in a doctor's office praying to hear the heartbeat of our baby after experiencing what we thought could have been miscarriage symptoms. I was very newly pregnant and had no clue what was going on with my body, but I was scared. I was trying with all my might to be hopeful-because I knew that God was capable of anything.  And then, we got the horrible news that there was no baby, and no heartbeat.  The doctor told us they thought it was an ectopic pregnancy, but that my body was "taking care of things" like it should be.  No medication needed.  No surgery needed.  For that we were grateful.  

Although my body seemed to be functioning correctly, my heart was a shattered mess.  I went through so many emotions- anger, confusion, pain, sadness.  There were times when I was so angry with God, but so thankful at the same time that He was with me.  My doctor at the time assured me that I seemed healthy.  That 1 in 4 women miscarry...that it was sadly common.  She told me that she was so sure I would have a healthy pregnancy.

And here I sit, three years later, wondering why my body has not done what it is supposed to do.  Why God hasn't answered the millions of prayers I have prayed.  Why my heart still feels like it is missing a piece.  

I don't say all of this to gain sympathy, but to say that even though it all, I have never lost my hope.   And I am still hoping.  And always will until God blesses us with a child, or tells us no, or leads us down a different path.  Even through it all, God has taught me more about who He truly is than I could have imagined.  The amount of Grace He has poured over me continues to amaze me.  Knowing that the tears I have cried have not been in vain.  That HE LOVES ME.  He has never left me.  He has not forgotten me.  The Lord has taught me that there is so much truth in the fact that when I am weak, He makes me strong.  

My wise Hubby asked me if I desired a baby more than the will of God.  And I had a hard time answering.  He encouraged me to pray for the will of God, WHATEVER that may be.  And that is truly what my heart longs for.To be in the will of God-EVEN IF that means I may never be a mom.  I believe in my heart that I will be a mom one day in God's timing, but if not, I want to be able to say "Okay, God, I trust you." And mean it.

Whatever you may be going through in your life, don't give up.  God isn't through with you or your story.  You aren't forgotten or alone. He loves you.  And if you have lost your faith, look around you.  God is everywhere.  I will end this post with some bits from Psalm 13.  I have never related more to a scripture than this. Focus on all that God has already done in your life and the lives around You, and trust that He will keep working all things together for the good of those who love Him!

"How long, Lord?  Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide Your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts, 

And day after day have sorrow in my heart?

-------

But I trust in Your unfailing love.

My heart rejoices in Your salvation.

I will sing to the Lord,

For He has been good to me!

Psalm 13: 1-2, 5-6

Be Blessed!

God Loves You...

Maybe today you just need to be reminded that God loves you.

He loves every inch of you (even the extra inches you wish you could get rid of)...

 

He loves you in the quietest of moments...and in the chaotic ones.

 

He loves your heart.  He created it.

 

He loves your weakness, because His power is made perfect in it.

 

He loves you even in your failures, your mistakes, and your messes.

 

He loves when you pour out your heart to Him.

 

He loves to listen to you.

 

He loves your efforts to love Him more. 

 

He loves when you cling to Him in the storms.

 

He loves being the one who leads you through the tough times.

 

He loves you even when you don't love yourself very much.

 

He loves you when you show others who He is.

He loves you so much that He sent His son to die for you--He wants to spend eternity with you!

And what is truly amazing is that no matter what you or I do, He loves us.  If we never uttered another prayer, sang another praise song, or read another word of Scripture...God would still love us.

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that suprasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

Ephesians 3:17b-19

 

 

Love and Blessings!

Draw Near...

"Come near to God and He will come near to you..."  James 4:8

 I heard this verse this morning as I was driving, and I couldn't help but think how comforting those simple words are. I couldn't help but think of all of the times I have run into the open arms of the Father.  How I have fallen at His feet broken to a million pieces.  How I have collapsed before Him from the exhaustion of attempting to carry life's burdens all by myself.  How He has always been there.

It's beautiful, really. 

In those moments that I cling to my Father, humbled and broken, thankful and gracious, I feel more love than I can even fathom. 

But sometimes I find myself feeling a million miles away from God.  I know He is there, but I just don't feel Him.  I don't see Him. And most of the time, it's my own choice, my fault. I am not doing my part of drawing near to Him. My mind and heart are not focused on Christ. Maybe instead I am drawing near to fleeting things that will never fill my heart like He does.  Maybe I am putting my faith in things other than Him.  Maybe I am listening to the "father of lies" whispering in my ear that I am unworthy of the love of Christ...

"...let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith..." Hebrews 10:22

 

This is my prayer--that I will always long for God and draw near to Him with nothing but a sincere, pure heart and with an unshakeable faith in His ability to be all things to me at all times.  That I will accept His love--knowing that I am and forever will be His beloved daughter.  A princess of the Most High.  That I will find His beauty even in the darkest times, and rejoice in it. 

 

God wants intimacy with His children.  In that relationship comes ultimate joy and satisfaction.  I am finding that the quiet moments I spend with God relishing in His word or having a conversation with Him, whether it be a pleading of the heart or a simple prayer of thanks, have become the most special times of my day.  I am excited about what He is doing in my life, and excited about how He will use me.

 

My hope is that as you pursue Christ with a sincere heart, that you will know the amazing, filling, tender love of God!

 

Be Blessed!

Jenn

Trusting God with a Broken Heart...

I have so many emotions locked up inside of me that I feel at any moment I could just explode.  Or cry.  Or scream.  Maybe writing it out can help.  Worth a try.

The last four weeks of my life have gone from total elation and excitement...thankfulness--to fear and uncertainty--to extreme heartache.  It has been hard--maybe one of the hardest times I have ever been through.  I would love to tell you that I know everything will be okay eventually--I know it in my head, but my heart has some catching up to do.

Here's the story:
Four weeks ago I found out I was pregnant.  I was finally going to be a Mommy.  I was finally going to have my biggest dream fulfilled.  I was thankful, so very thankful.  Anyone who truly knows me knows that I have wanted to have a baby more than anything, so getting to see those two pink lines on the pregnancy test was one of the happiest moments of my life.

We were so excited that we told our parents,siblings, and close friends.  My parents could not have been more overjoyed at the thought of finally becoming grandparents.  My sister-in-law is pregnant, so we were excited to go through pregnancy together.  Oh our sweet babies would be the same age, best friends.  Everything seemed almost too good to be true.

Then, the bleeding started.  And panic began to creep it's way in.

I made a doctor's appointment.  She said everything seemed okay, but we would do a 48 hour HcG test to make sure my hormone levels were doubling.  This was the longest 48 hours of my life.  But I trusted God...I trusted His will for my life and my baby--and despite fleeting moments of fear, I felt peace that I knew could only have come from Him.

48-hours--and then the results.  Hormone levels went down, but not enough to think it was a miscarriage.  Wait 10 more days for an ultrasound.  10 DAYS.  This wait was almost unbearable.  Deep in my heart I think I knew that something was wrong.  But I tried to stay hopeful. If God wanted to save this baby, He could. 

10 long days of an emotional rollercoaster, trying to prepare myself for the worst--an almost impossible task.  We went in for our ultrasound the same morning that Tropical Storm Isaac hit.  And there it was--no baby.  No heartbeat.  I couldn't even look at the screen because I knew.  Deep down inside, I knew.

Miscarriage.  That word I had feared for three weeks.  There it was.  And I lost it.  The tears came, and I wasn't sure if they were going to stop. 

My friends and family had been awaiting the news, they had been praying diligently.  The sweetest texts and phone calls began to come in.  My amazing parents stopped what they were doing, and drove all the way to my house in horrible weather just so they could hug me.  My amazing girlfriends, who have genuinely become so much more than friends, but rather family, sent me a bouquet of sunshine to cheer me up.  Even in the midst of heartache, I have so much to be grateful for. 

It has been one week since the news.  And there are moments that I feel at peace, there are moments of intense sadness, and there are even moments of anger.  I don't understand--but I am trying to remember that God's plan is perfect.  His plan for me is perfect.  This loss is just part of my story.  And as for my sweet baby--well, I like to think that God loved that baby so much that He couldn't stand not to have it in Heaven with Him. 

Now comes the healing--physically and emotionally.  Now comes the part where I trust God with my broken-to-a-million-pieces heart.  I have to.  Now comes the rebuilding.  I have to continue to let God work, and trust that His plan for me is going to blow my mind.  I have seen His goodness and restoration in my life already, and for that I am thankful.

Sorry this post is so heavy, but this was part of my testimony--and I know in the days, months to come that God is going to do some amazing work in my life--and I can't wait to share.

Be blessed!
Jenn

Unhindered Joy...

"Joy is untouched by circumstance." -- Unknown

God has given us a spirit of joy.  It fills our hearts and souls.  It fills our lives.  There is no denying that we are called to live joy-filled lives.

I have always been a joyful, "cup half-full" kind of girl.  But when the realness and struggles of life start to creep in, I have felt that joy being stripped away.  More often than not, I have allowed hurt and bitterness to overtake the joy that I had. Instead of joy overflowing out of my life, bitterness and hurt overflowed. And as a result, it effected every other part of my life.  My relationships, my self-confidence, my faith.  And really the list wouldn't stop there. 

How often do we let other feelings like bitterness, or anger, or fear jump into our lives, pushing out the joy residing in our hearts? 

God has been showing me that this happens only when we allow it to. Ouch.

We all, at some point or another, have felt feelings of hurt, fear, anxiousness, etc.--but if we choose joy, those feelings quickly diminish.  When we focus on where our joy comes from, a God who created us and loves us despite our filthiness, then it is much easier to embrace joy.  I have seen it happen in my own life. 

All that being said, I thought I would share some of the things that bring me joy in life...the big and the small...

*Christ's sacrifice

*God's unwavering love for me

*The faith of children

*An amazing sunset

*Friendships that you know are God-ordained

*A nice, cold Diet Coke (hey, I said big things and small things)

*Snuggling with my puppy

*Pouring my heart out to God and knowing that He cares, even when it feels no one else does

*Sweet, innocent babies :)

*Hanging out with my nephew and niece

*Seeing a prayer answered

*Seeing the people I love happy

I could go on and on because, despite those things in my life that seem "bad,"  the things that bring me joy far outnumber them.

So, for today, I am choosing to have unhindered, unshaken joy. 

Be blessed!
Jenn

A Testimony...

I recently read a blog of a sweet friend and coworker of mine, Kelly, that was about the word testimony. I stole an exerpt from her blog--something I have been dwelling on for a while now. "I come face to face with my relationship with Christ every single day, and each circumstance is a new chance for me to testify my faith in Him." When I think of my testimony, I tend to think about how I came to know Christ. That in itself is a beautiful thing, but our testamonies are so much more than that. Our testamonies are filled with trials and suffering, joy and revelation. Every single moment in our lives can be part of our testimony. God has really laid this on my heart lately... Our trials are what create such a beautiful story of God's love for us--our personal testamonies. I have been thinking about all of the times I have been challenged or hurt or confused in my life. I cannot think of a time when God has NOT been faithful to me. I cannot think of a time when He has not been there for me. And I cannot think of a time when I have been through "a valley" and not learned more about how much our Creator loves me and how GOOD He truly is. What if we endure trials in our lives for the sole purpose of allowing God to be glorified through it??? How can the trials that we have lived through or are going through lead someone else to know the power of God's love??? It almost makes going through tough things in our lives more bearable to know that God will indeed get the glory from it. Our trials are not pointless. My prayer is that God uses the trials in my life, and the joys in my life, to bring glory to Himself. That He will receive praise in the good and the not so good. That He will continue to write my story, my testimony, and through it others will know of His goodness. Be blessed! Jenn