Waking Up...

So, early this morning, about 4:30, my pup Delilah starts whining to go outside to go to the bathroom.  I hear her, but every part of me does not want to get out of my oh so cozy bed.  I was sleeping so good--which happens every once and a blue moon.  I literally roll out of bed and take steps toward the direction of the door, still half asleep. 

And then...BAM!  I slam into the wall.  I missed the door by a good few feet.  It hurt, and my poor nose is not happy with me today.  I quickly woke up, and once the pain wore off, I couldn't help but laugh at  my clumsiness.

Why do I share this embarassing story?

Funny how God can use random, seemingly meaningless moments in our lives to show us something.

I began to think about how in our lives, so often, we stumble through life half asleep.  It is all too easy to approach life with our eyes shut.  Shut so tightly that we don't see the things God intends for us to see: His goodness, His mercy, His grace, His joy, His hope,  HIS plan. We get so used to the everyday, and life seems to become mundane.  And we miss His beauty.

And as we wander aimlessly through life half asleep--we usually get to a place where we just hit the wall.  A place where we are forced into waking up. 

I was walking through my spiritual life half awake.  My relationship with God had become more of a habit that an actual relationship.  And it took a heartbreaking situation for me to be awakened. I am starting to approach life with my eyes wide open.  To see the beauty in the everyday.  To see the little things God uses to show me that He loves me, that I am His.  I don't want to miss out on the joy the Lord has for me, the purpose He has for me.  If it takes "running into a wall--a bruised nose--and a massive headache" for me to wake up to a fulfilling life in Christ, then the pain is worth it.  So worth it.

"Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you."

Be blessed!
Jenn

28 Things...

Today I turn 28. 

Twenty-Eight.

I don't really know how it got here so fast, and I definitely don't feel like I am 28. But as of today I am officially 2 years away from 30 (insert huge sigh).

I can honestly say that my life has played out much differently than I ever could have imagined...but I wouldn't want it any other way. 

To celebrate 28 years of life I thought it would be fun to share 28 random things about me...things I love, things I have learned, things that have made me who I am today.  So, here goes...

28. I have a slight obsession with penguins.  My dream would be to have one as a pet.

27.  My drink of choice will always be a nice, cold Diet Coke.

26. Twenty-two years ago I gave my life to Christ--BEST. DECISION. EVER.

25.  I strongly dislike Winter.

24. I love a good rainy day every now and then.

23.  I have learned over the years the intense love of God--and that He gives it freely, even if I mess up...a lot (and trust me, I mess up a lot).

22. I love to sing.  All the time.

21.  My favorite day is June 27--the day I married my best friend, David. 

20. To have several friends is great, but to have a few friends that know everything about you and still love you--those are priceless.  Lucky for me--I was blessed with those kind of friends :)

19.  In 28 years of life--I cannot think of a single moment that God was not faithful to me.

18.  My sister and I started the Mini Horse Club-- we are up to a handful of members.  Our goal is to own mini horses one day.  Mine's name will be Scooter. hehe.

 

17.  My favorite movie is The Chronicles of Narnia.  I wish Narnia was a real place.

 

16.  I have an insane fear of snakes...

 

15. In case you didn't know--I have the most amazing family in the whole world.

14.  And in case you didn't know--I married into the greatest family ever.

13.  I have learned (and am still learning) that worrying about things is an insane waste of my time.  And I really have no room for fear in my life.  Jesus has me in His hands--and that is all I need to know!

12.  I have seen so many miracles in the last couple of years.  And it stirs up so much hope in my soul.  Here are a few of those miracles...

 

 



 

11. Things I wish I could do:  play piano and guitar, knit, sew and be an amazing baker :)

 

10.  I love my sissy.  We have had our moments, like all siblings do--but she is one of my favorite people on the planet.

 

 

9.  My puppy, Delilah, brings me a ton of joy (most of the time), but she has given me a slight glimpse of what being a parent will be like :)

 

 

8.  My favorite color changes quite frequently.  At the moment it is burnt orange.

 

7.  My favorite day of the week is Thursday.  I don't know why--it just is.

 

6.  Sometimes I wish that instead of getting a degree in Education, I would have been a Marine Biologist or a Zoologist.  Then I could work with penguins.

 

7.  I am addicted to sweets.  Not a good thing.

 

6. David and I eat pizza more than any other food.  Again, not a good thing. 

 

5.  A beautiful, sunny day brings me ultimate joy.  It is usually on those kind of days that I feel like no matter what is going on in my life, that everything is going to be okay.

 

4.  Year 27 of my life was a very hectic year full of a lot of change--readjustments--and blessings.

 

3.  Each year of life brings new outlook to the days ahead.

 

2.   I am sure of  this:  I AM BLESSED!

 

1.  Twenty-eight is going to be an epic year in my life--I just have a good feeling about it.  Here's to trusting in God's guidance and favor over my life.  And believing for things that seem impossible :)

 

 

Be Blessed, dear friends!

Jenn





Relief...

Yesterday afternoon was beautiful.  I sat outside with my sweet pup.  All I could hear were the birds singing their song.  The air was cool.  And I just wanted to soak it all up. 

As I sat there, I began to pray. 

See, the last few weeks I have literally fought to be strong.  No tears, no emotion.  No allowing myself to think about what has happened, what is still happening.  No thinking about the future.  Just numbness.

And as I sat outside yesterday--I began to talk to God.  I talked to Him from a place of hurt and fear.  I talked to Him without trying to be strong.  And the tears began to flow.  But, for once, they weren't even sad tears.  They were almost tears of relief.  Of letting go. 

Lately, it has been hard to pray.  And not because I am angry at God and have no desire to speak with Him, but more because pouring my soul out to Him would only lead to an outburst of pure emotion.  And I just haven't had the strength to go there.

And as I finally allowed myself to go into that place, vulnerable and weak, I felt for the first time that everything was going to be okay.  It is easy to whisper those words--it will be okay--but to truly feel that-what peace that brings! God has already written a beautiful story for my life, and this part of my story is preparing me for something amazing.  I felt excited about the days to come--the new possibilities, the new chapters. 

I am so excited about the day when I will become a mother.  And I know that God will fulfill that desire some day.  But while I am waiting, I plan on soaking up all of who my Savior is.  I plan on living my life in the present, not for the days ahead. I am going to take full advantage of this time I have been given. 

And, friends, I ask you to pray for my physical body.  My hormone levels are still dropping (thank  you , Jesus!), but the doctor has to follow them all the way to zero which means getting pricked for blood tests every week.  Please pray that they get there!  Once they get to zero, we have to wait two months before trying again.  I am just so ready for my body to get back to "normal."  Thanks!

Be blessed, friends!
Jenn

Grace Rains

When I was younger, I loved to write.  I was always that English geek who loved any assignment that ended with me writing a poem or haiku (remember those??).  All through college, I would pick up my pen and jot down my feelings creatively in my journal. I rarely shared my writings with anyone--maybe my roommates now and then.  But it was mostly for me.  A way to channel my feelings and fear, hopes and dreams.  It has been a very long time since I have written anything. I feel like I have had all of these life experiences, but lacked the energy to dwell on them enough to write about them.  Until today.  I woke up wanting to write.  And so I did.  So I thought I would share. 

*Disclaimer*- I don't claim to be an amazing writer (so please don't laugh)--but it isn't about being amazing after all :) 

 

Grace Rains

 

Sunny Days

And all was okay

Until the clouds rolled in

And blew the sun away.

 

The rain fell hard

And pelted skin deep

The wind blew mighty

and knocked me off my feet.

 

But there amidst the storm

The fire from the sky

I saw what was a promise

and I felt hope arise.

 

I felt hope stirring

Deeply in my soul

And seeing that bow of colors

I knew I could let go.

 

So I put down my barrier

My umbrella shield

And I walked among the drops

That the sky dared to yield.

 

I was washed by the rain

Bathed in grace

And it was then and there I knew why

 I was standing in this place.

 

Even if the sun

Never shone it's face again

I was loved through the storm

I was loved by Him.

Be blessed, friends!
Jenn

When You Just Can't Bounce Back...

Here comes some honesty.

I usually get over things pretty quickly--as in I am a glass half full kind of girl.  I have always been one to look for the good in things, no matter how hard they may seem at the time.  And that has helped me through the trials I have faced in my life up until this point.

Then the loss of a baby, and a dream.  And the "bouncing back" just isn't coming easily to me.  Not this time. 

I don't know how I was expecting to feel.  But it wasn't like this.  I haven't been able to feel much of anything the last few weeks.  Just numbness.  This is a new feeling for this overly emotional girl.  And just when I feel like I am beginning to heal--something else happens--and it makes it seem like this is never going to end.  The thought of even trying to have kids again--I just can't even really entertain the thought right now.  And that makes me sad.

On the health side of this, my body hasn't been cooperating exactly like it should.  I am still experiencing "miscarriage symptoms" five weeks after the fact, and my hormone levels are going  down, but are dropping very slowly.  Thankfully, after a visit with my doctor today, I was assured that there is no need for medication or surgery, and that my body is doing what it is supposed to, just very slowly...

So--all in all, I am ready for this to be over.  I want to move on.  I want to heal, physically and emotionally.  I'm just over it all.

Despite all of this--God has still been faithful to me.  I heard one of my all time favorite songs today--My Redeemer Lives by Nicole Mullen...an oldie but a goodie.  One of verses says this--and it was exactly what I needed to be reminded of today...

The very same God that spins things in orbit

Runs to the weary, the worn and the weak

And the same gentle hands

That hold me when I'm broken

They've conquered death to bring me victory.

 

And that, my friends, is truth.  That despite the trials we may face, God is holding us in His hands--those very hands that formed everything we see around us.  Those hands that pick us up, and guide us through the valley moments.  And despite those times when we feel like nothing will ever get better, we can hold on to the promise that we have victory because of Christ.  

I have been so thankful to those of you who have been lifting me up in words, and thoughts, and prayers.  You have no idea how blessed I have been by your outpouring of love and thoughtfulness.  I know that restoration is coming for me--and I know that this is not the end for my dreams of being a mom. Stay tuned because I know there will be more to this story...God's plan is perfect!

Be blessed!
Jenn

Trusting God with a Broken Heart...

I have so many emotions locked up inside of me that I feel at any moment I could just explode.  Or cry.  Or scream.  Maybe writing it out can help.  Worth a try.

The last four weeks of my life have gone from total elation and excitement...thankfulness--to fear and uncertainty--to extreme heartache.  It has been hard--maybe one of the hardest times I have ever been through.  I would love to tell you that I know everything will be okay eventually--I know it in my head, but my heart has some catching up to do.

Here's the story:
Four weeks ago I found out I was pregnant.  I was finally going to be a Mommy.  I was finally going to have my biggest dream fulfilled.  I was thankful, so very thankful.  Anyone who truly knows me knows that I have wanted to have a baby more than anything, so getting to see those two pink lines on the pregnancy test was one of the happiest moments of my life.

We were so excited that we told our parents,siblings, and close friends.  My parents could not have been more overjoyed at the thought of finally becoming grandparents.  My sister-in-law is pregnant, so we were excited to go through pregnancy together.  Oh our sweet babies would be the same age, best friends.  Everything seemed almost too good to be true.

Then, the bleeding started.  And panic began to creep it's way in.

I made a doctor's appointment.  She said everything seemed okay, but we would do a 48 hour HcG test to make sure my hormone levels were doubling.  This was the longest 48 hours of my life.  But I trusted God...I trusted His will for my life and my baby--and despite fleeting moments of fear, I felt peace that I knew could only have come from Him.

48-hours--and then the results.  Hormone levels went down, but not enough to think it was a miscarriage.  Wait 10 more days for an ultrasound.  10 DAYS.  This wait was almost unbearable.  Deep in my heart I think I knew that something was wrong.  But I tried to stay hopeful. If God wanted to save this baby, He could. 

10 long days of an emotional rollercoaster, trying to prepare myself for the worst--an almost impossible task.  We went in for our ultrasound the same morning that Tropical Storm Isaac hit.  And there it was--no baby.  No heartbeat.  I couldn't even look at the screen because I knew.  Deep down inside, I knew.

Miscarriage.  That word I had feared for three weeks.  There it was.  And I lost it.  The tears came, and I wasn't sure if they were going to stop. 

My friends and family had been awaiting the news, they had been praying diligently.  The sweetest texts and phone calls began to come in.  My amazing parents stopped what they were doing, and drove all the way to my house in horrible weather just so they could hug me.  My amazing girlfriends, who have genuinely become so much more than friends, but rather family, sent me a bouquet of sunshine to cheer me up.  Even in the midst of heartache, I have so much to be grateful for. 

It has been one week since the news.  And there are moments that I feel at peace, there are moments of intense sadness, and there are even moments of anger.  I don't understand--but I am trying to remember that God's plan is perfect.  His plan for me is perfect.  This loss is just part of my story.  And as for my sweet baby--well, I like to think that God loved that baby so much that He couldn't stand not to have it in Heaven with Him. 

Now comes the healing--physically and emotionally.  Now comes the part where I trust God with my broken-to-a-million-pieces heart.  I have to.  Now comes the rebuilding.  I have to continue to let God work, and trust that His plan for me is going to blow my mind.  I have seen His goodness and restoration in my life already, and for that I am thankful.

Sorry this post is so heavy, but this was part of my testimony--and I know in the days, months to come that God is going to do some amazing work in my life--and I can't wait to share.

Be blessed!
Jenn

Trusting in the Wait...

One of life's hardest virtues is patience...can I get an "Amen"? 

Waiting.  That word just stirs up anxiety within me.  I have a hard time waiting on the Lord's timing.  I have a difficult time trusting God during that waiting time. 

Satan is so good at whispering little lies into my ears during a time of wait: "Oh, God isn't going to come through for you this time," "You don't deserve to have this prayer answered," "It has been too long, time to give up and do what you think is best."  Ever heard those lies stirring inside of you during a waiting period? 

God uses our waiting periods as preparation time.  He uses those moments to refine you, restore you, and shape your heart so that you can fully except the blessings He has in store for you.  When you start seeing those waiting moments as times when God is preparing you for something big, it makes the wait well worth it. 

I have been in a "waiting period" for quite a while.  And what I have realized along the way is that God's timing is completely perfect.  If I would have had my prayer answered several months ago--I am not sure my heart would have been ready for it.  God has patched up a heart that was hurting, and refilled my life with joy--He has renewed my passion for Him--so much that I knew that if He never answered my prayer the way I desired Him to, that I would somehow find peace resting in His hands.  He knows what is best for me.  Were there days that I let doubt creep in?  Absolutely.  Did I have to recognize that it was Satan trying to make me feel defeated?  Absolutely. 

I know in this life we will have more waiting periods than we can probably count.  We may have them back to back.  But, friends, don't believe Satan when he starts to tell you that God is never going to come through for you.  When you feel that way, realize that God must be up to something or Satan wouldn't even bother trying to destroy your faith.  Trust in the Lord's timing because when God shows up, and He will, He will show up in a huge way that will completely blow your mind!! 

Try turning your impatience into expectation!

"Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him..."             -Psalm 37:7

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."              -Psalm 27:14

"I wait for you, O Lord; you will answer, O Lord my God."          -Psalm 38:15

Be Blessed!

Jenn