Dwelling...

"Forget the former things; do no dwell in the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."
-Isaiah 43:19

 

 

This verse.  Oh, this verse!  Hope wrapped up in a few small sentences.  I have been reflecting on this verse a lot lately.  Reading it over and over.  Speaking it over and over.  This week has been one of those weeks. One of those weeks where my heart is aching a bit.  One of those weeks where I battle my thoughts that seem stuck in the past. 

See, I feel like I have been stuck in the desert, in the wasteland, for what seems like forever.  It isn't always the easiest place to be.  But there is purpose in the desert moments in life.  I know that.  And I have seen that. 

God tells me not to dwell on the past.  Not to dwell on the moments when my heart was broken.  Not to dwell on losing a dream.  Not to dwell on hurtful words and actions.  The word dwell in the dictionary means To live as a resident; reside; To exist in a given place or state.

To live.  I don't want to live in those moments that are gone and done.  I want to instead dwell on the lessons learned from those moments.  I want to dwell on the goodness, grace, and abundant love that God showed me in those moments. 

And when I feel stuck in the "desert,"  God tells me that He is making a way!!!  I may not see it now, but He is working behind the scenes to carry out His will for my life.  He is laying out the blueprint to a beautiful story. 

I feel like God is doing a new thing in my life.  I am at a place where I have had to surrender my dreams over to Him and trust that He is able.  To trust that He is good. To trust in His timing.  And to trust that He loves me more than I can fathom.  He knows my desires.  He gave them to me.

Never forget that when you feel like all you can see around you is desert place, that God is there.  And He is planning something amazing for you.  Keep hoping.  Keep praising Him.

Be blessed!
Jenn

Draw Near...

"Come near to God and He will come near to you..."  James 4:8

 I heard this verse this morning as I was driving, and I couldn't help but think how comforting those simple words are. I couldn't help but think of all of the times I have run into the open arms of the Father.  How I have fallen at His feet broken to a million pieces.  How I have collapsed before Him from the exhaustion of attempting to carry life's burdens all by myself.  How He has always been there.

It's beautiful, really. 

In those moments that I cling to my Father, humbled and broken, thankful and gracious, I feel more love than I can even fathom. 

But sometimes I find myself feeling a million miles away from God.  I know He is there, but I just don't feel Him.  I don't see Him. And most of the time, it's my own choice, my fault. I am not doing my part of drawing near to Him. My mind and heart are not focused on Christ. Maybe instead I am drawing near to fleeting things that will never fill my heart like He does.  Maybe I am putting my faith in things other than Him.  Maybe I am listening to the "father of lies" whispering in my ear that I am unworthy of the love of Christ...

"...let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith..." Hebrews 10:22

 

This is my prayer--that I will always long for God and draw near to Him with nothing but a sincere, pure heart and with an unshakeable faith in His ability to be all things to me at all times.  That I will accept His love--knowing that I am and forever will be His beloved daughter.  A princess of the Most High.  That I will find His beauty even in the darkest times, and rejoice in it. 

 

God wants intimacy with His children.  In that relationship comes ultimate joy and satisfaction.  I am finding that the quiet moments I spend with God relishing in His word or having a conversation with Him, whether it be a pleading of the heart or a simple prayer of thanks, have become the most special times of my day.  I am excited about what He is doing in my life, and excited about how He will use me.

 

My hope is that as you pursue Christ with a sincere heart, that you will know the amazing, filling, tender love of God!

 

Be Blessed!

Jenn

Waking Up...

So, early this morning, about 4:30, my pup Delilah starts whining to go outside to go to the bathroom.  I hear her, but every part of me does not want to get out of my oh so cozy bed.  I was sleeping so good--which happens every once and a blue moon.  I literally roll out of bed and take steps toward the direction of the door, still half asleep. 

And then...BAM!  I slam into the wall.  I missed the door by a good few feet.  It hurt, and my poor nose is not happy with me today.  I quickly woke up, and once the pain wore off, I couldn't help but laugh at  my clumsiness.

Why do I share this embarassing story?

Funny how God can use random, seemingly meaningless moments in our lives to show us something.

I began to think about how in our lives, so often, we stumble through life half asleep.  It is all too easy to approach life with our eyes shut.  Shut so tightly that we don't see the things God intends for us to see: His goodness, His mercy, His grace, His joy, His hope,  HIS plan. We get so used to the everyday, and life seems to become mundane.  And we miss His beauty.

And as we wander aimlessly through life half asleep--we usually get to a place where we just hit the wall.  A place where we are forced into waking up. 

I was walking through my spiritual life half awake.  My relationship with God had become more of a habit that an actual relationship.  And it took a heartbreaking situation for me to be awakened. I am starting to approach life with my eyes wide open.  To see the beauty in the everyday.  To see the little things God uses to show me that He loves me, that I am His.  I don't want to miss out on the joy the Lord has for me, the purpose He has for me.  If it takes "running into a wall--a bruised nose--and a massive headache" for me to wake up to a fulfilling life in Christ, then the pain is worth it.  So worth it.

"Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you."

Be blessed!
Jenn

28 Things...

Today I turn 28. 

Twenty-Eight.

I don't really know how it got here so fast, and I definitely don't feel like I am 28. But as of today I am officially 2 years away from 30 (insert huge sigh).

I can honestly say that my life has played out much differently than I ever could have imagined...but I wouldn't want it any other way. 

To celebrate 28 years of life I thought it would be fun to share 28 random things about me...things I love, things I have learned, things that have made me who I am today.  So, here goes...

28. I have a slight obsession with penguins.  My dream would be to have one as a pet.

27.  My drink of choice will always be a nice, cold Diet Coke.

26. Twenty-two years ago I gave my life to Christ--BEST. DECISION. EVER.

25.  I strongly dislike Winter.

24. I love a good rainy day every now and then.

23.  I have learned over the years the intense love of God--and that He gives it freely, even if I mess up...a lot (and trust me, I mess up a lot).

22. I love to sing.  All the time.

21.  My favorite day is June 27--the day I married my best friend, David. 

20. To have several friends is great, but to have a few friends that know everything about you and still love you--those are priceless.  Lucky for me--I was blessed with those kind of friends :)

19.  In 28 years of life--I cannot think of a single moment that God was not faithful to me.

18.  My sister and I started the Mini Horse Club-- we are up to a handful of members.  Our goal is to own mini horses one day.  Mine's name will be Scooter. hehe.

 

17.  My favorite movie is The Chronicles of Narnia.  I wish Narnia was a real place.

 

16.  I have an insane fear of snakes...

 

15. In case you didn't know--I have the most amazing family in the whole world.

14.  And in case you didn't know--I married into the greatest family ever.

13.  I have learned (and am still learning) that worrying about things is an insane waste of my time.  And I really have no room for fear in my life.  Jesus has me in His hands--and that is all I need to know!

12.  I have seen so many miracles in the last couple of years.  And it stirs up so much hope in my soul.  Here are a few of those miracles...

 

 



 

11. Things I wish I could do:  play piano and guitar, knit, sew and be an amazing baker :)

 

10.  I love my sissy.  We have had our moments, like all siblings do--but she is one of my favorite people on the planet.

 

 

9.  My puppy, Delilah, brings me a ton of joy (most of the time), but she has given me a slight glimpse of what being a parent will be like :)

 

 

8.  My favorite color changes quite frequently.  At the moment it is burnt orange.

 

7.  My favorite day of the week is Thursday.  I don't know why--it just is.

 

6.  Sometimes I wish that instead of getting a degree in Education, I would have been a Marine Biologist or a Zoologist.  Then I could work with penguins.

 

7.  I am addicted to sweets.  Not a good thing.

 

6. David and I eat pizza more than any other food.  Again, not a good thing. 

 

5.  A beautiful, sunny day brings me ultimate joy.  It is usually on those kind of days that I feel like no matter what is going on in my life, that everything is going to be okay.

 

4.  Year 27 of my life was a very hectic year full of a lot of change--readjustments--and blessings.

 

3.  Each year of life brings new outlook to the days ahead.

 

2.   I am sure of  this:  I AM BLESSED!

 

1.  Twenty-eight is going to be an epic year in my life--I just have a good feeling about it.  Here's to trusting in God's guidance and favor over my life.  And believing for things that seem impossible :)

 

 

Be Blessed, dear friends!

Jenn





Relief...

Yesterday afternoon was beautiful.  I sat outside with my sweet pup.  All I could hear were the birds singing their song.  The air was cool.  And I just wanted to soak it all up. 

As I sat there, I began to pray. 

See, the last few weeks I have literally fought to be strong.  No tears, no emotion.  No allowing myself to think about what has happened, what is still happening.  No thinking about the future.  Just numbness.

And as I sat outside yesterday--I began to talk to God.  I talked to Him from a place of hurt and fear.  I talked to Him without trying to be strong.  And the tears began to flow.  But, for once, they weren't even sad tears.  They were almost tears of relief.  Of letting go. 

Lately, it has been hard to pray.  And not because I am angry at God and have no desire to speak with Him, but more because pouring my soul out to Him would only lead to an outburst of pure emotion.  And I just haven't had the strength to go there.

And as I finally allowed myself to go into that place, vulnerable and weak, I felt for the first time that everything was going to be okay.  It is easy to whisper those words--it will be okay--but to truly feel that-what peace that brings! God has already written a beautiful story for my life, and this part of my story is preparing me for something amazing.  I felt excited about the days to come--the new possibilities, the new chapters. 

I am so excited about the day when I will become a mother.  And I know that God will fulfill that desire some day.  But while I am waiting, I plan on soaking up all of who my Savior is.  I plan on living my life in the present, not for the days ahead. I am going to take full advantage of this time I have been given. 

And, friends, I ask you to pray for my physical body.  My hormone levels are still dropping (thank  you , Jesus!), but the doctor has to follow them all the way to zero which means getting pricked for blood tests every week.  Please pray that they get there!  Once they get to zero, we have to wait two months before trying again.  I am just so ready for my body to get back to "normal."  Thanks!

Be blessed, friends!
Jenn

Grace Rains

When I was younger, I loved to write.  I was always that English geek who loved any assignment that ended with me writing a poem or haiku (remember those??).  All through college, I would pick up my pen and jot down my feelings creatively in my journal. I rarely shared my writings with anyone--maybe my roommates now and then.  But it was mostly for me.  A way to channel my feelings and fear, hopes and dreams.  It has been a very long time since I have written anything. I feel like I have had all of these life experiences, but lacked the energy to dwell on them enough to write about them.  Until today.  I woke up wanting to write.  And so I did.  So I thought I would share. 

*Disclaimer*- I don't claim to be an amazing writer (so please don't laugh)--but it isn't about being amazing after all :) 

 

Grace Rains

 

Sunny Days

And all was okay

Until the clouds rolled in

And blew the sun away.

 

The rain fell hard

And pelted skin deep

The wind blew mighty

and knocked me off my feet.

 

But there amidst the storm

The fire from the sky

I saw what was a promise

and I felt hope arise.

 

I felt hope stirring

Deeply in my soul

And seeing that bow of colors

I knew I could let go.

 

So I put down my barrier

My umbrella shield

And I walked among the drops

That the sky dared to yield.

 

I was washed by the rain

Bathed in grace

And it was then and there I knew why

 I was standing in this place.

 

Even if the sun

Never shone it's face again

I was loved through the storm

I was loved by Him.

Be blessed, friends!
Jenn

When You Just Can't Bounce Back...

Here comes some honesty.

I usually get over things pretty quickly--as in I am a glass half full kind of girl.  I have always been one to look for the good in things, no matter how hard they may seem at the time.  And that has helped me through the trials I have faced in my life up until this point.

Then the loss of a baby, and a dream.  And the "bouncing back" just isn't coming easily to me.  Not this time. 

I don't know how I was expecting to feel.  But it wasn't like this.  I haven't been able to feel much of anything the last few weeks.  Just numbness.  This is a new feeling for this overly emotional girl.  And just when I feel like I am beginning to heal--something else happens--and it makes it seem like this is never going to end.  The thought of even trying to have kids again--I just can't even really entertain the thought right now.  And that makes me sad.

On the health side of this, my body hasn't been cooperating exactly like it should.  I am still experiencing "miscarriage symptoms" five weeks after the fact, and my hormone levels are going  down, but are dropping very slowly.  Thankfully, after a visit with my doctor today, I was assured that there is no need for medication or surgery, and that my body is doing what it is supposed to, just very slowly...

So--all in all, I am ready for this to be over.  I want to move on.  I want to heal, physically and emotionally.  I'm just over it all.

Despite all of this--God has still been faithful to me.  I heard one of my all time favorite songs today--My Redeemer Lives by Nicole Mullen...an oldie but a goodie.  One of verses says this--and it was exactly what I needed to be reminded of today...

The very same God that spins things in orbit

Runs to the weary, the worn and the weak

And the same gentle hands

That hold me when I'm broken

They've conquered death to bring me victory.

 

And that, my friends, is truth.  That despite the trials we may face, God is holding us in His hands--those very hands that formed everything we see around us.  Those hands that pick us up, and guide us through the valley moments.  And despite those times when we feel like nothing will ever get better, we can hold on to the promise that we have victory because of Christ.  

I have been so thankful to those of you who have been lifting me up in words, and thoughts, and prayers.  You have no idea how blessed I have been by your outpouring of love and thoughtfulness.  I know that restoration is coming for me--and I know that this is not the end for my dreams of being a mom. Stay tuned because I know there will be more to this story...God's plan is perfect!

Be blessed!
Jenn

Trusting God with a Broken Heart...

I have so many emotions locked up inside of me that I feel at any moment I could just explode.  Or cry.  Or scream.  Maybe writing it out can help.  Worth a try.

The last four weeks of my life have gone from total elation and excitement...thankfulness--to fear and uncertainty--to extreme heartache.  It has been hard--maybe one of the hardest times I have ever been through.  I would love to tell you that I know everything will be okay eventually--I know it in my head, but my heart has some catching up to do.

Here's the story:
Four weeks ago I found out I was pregnant.  I was finally going to be a Mommy.  I was finally going to have my biggest dream fulfilled.  I was thankful, so very thankful.  Anyone who truly knows me knows that I have wanted to have a baby more than anything, so getting to see those two pink lines on the pregnancy test was one of the happiest moments of my life.

We were so excited that we told our parents,siblings, and close friends.  My parents could not have been more overjoyed at the thought of finally becoming grandparents.  My sister-in-law is pregnant, so we were excited to go through pregnancy together.  Oh our sweet babies would be the same age, best friends.  Everything seemed almost too good to be true.

Then, the bleeding started.  And panic began to creep it's way in.

I made a doctor's appointment.  She said everything seemed okay, but we would do a 48 hour HcG test to make sure my hormone levels were doubling.  This was the longest 48 hours of my life.  But I trusted God...I trusted His will for my life and my baby--and despite fleeting moments of fear, I felt peace that I knew could only have come from Him.

48-hours--and then the results.  Hormone levels went down, but not enough to think it was a miscarriage.  Wait 10 more days for an ultrasound.  10 DAYS.  This wait was almost unbearable.  Deep in my heart I think I knew that something was wrong.  But I tried to stay hopeful. If God wanted to save this baby, He could. 

10 long days of an emotional rollercoaster, trying to prepare myself for the worst--an almost impossible task.  We went in for our ultrasound the same morning that Tropical Storm Isaac hit.  And there it was--no baby.  No heartbeat.  I couldn't even look at the screen because I knew.  Deep down inside, I knew.

Miscarriage.  That word I had feared for three weeks.  There it was.  And I lost it.  The tears came, and I wasn't sure if they were going to stop. 

My friends and family had been awaiting the news, they had been praying diligently.  The sweetest texts and phone calls began to come in.  My amazing parents stopped what they were doing, and drove all the way to my house in horrible weather just so they could hug me.  My amazing girlfriends, who have genuinely become so much more than friends, but rather family, sent me a bouquet of sunshine to cheer me up.  Even in the midst of heartache, I have so much to be grateful for. 

It has been one week since the news.  And there are moments that I feel at peace, there are moments of intense sadness, and there are even moments of anger.  I don't understand--but I am trying to remember that God's plan is perfect.  His plan for me is perfect.  This loss is just part of my story.  And as for my sweet baby--well, I like to think that God loved that baby so much that He couldn't stand not to have it in Heaven with Him. 

Now comes the healing--physically and emotionally.  Now comes the part where I trust God with my broken-to-a-million-pieces heart.  I have to.  Now comes the rebuilding.  I have to continue to let God work, and trust that His plan for me is going to blow my mind.  I have seen His goodness and restoration in my life already, and for that I am thankful.

Sorry this post is so heavy, but this was part of my testimony--and I know in the days, months to come that God is going to do some amazing work in my life--and I can't wait to share.

Be blessed!
Jenn

Trusting in the Wait...

One of life's hardest virtues is patience...can I get an "Amen"? 

Waiting.  That word just stirs up anxiety within me.  I have a hard time waiting on the Lord's timing.  I have a difficult time trusting God during that waiting time. 

Satan is so good at whispering little lies into my ears during a time of wait: "Oh, God isn't going to come through for you this time," "You don't deserve to have this prayer answered," "It has been too long, time to give up and do what you think is best."  Ever heard those lies stirring inside of you during a waiting period? 

God uses our waiting periods as preparation time.  He uses those moments to refine you, restore you, and shape your heart so that you can fully except the blessings He has in store for you.  When you start seeing those waiting moments as times when God is preparing you for something big, it makes the wait well worth it. 

I have been in a "waiting period" for quite a while.  And what I have realized along the way is that God's timing is completely perfect.  If I would have had my prayer answered several months ago--I am not sure my heart would have been ready for it.  God has patched up a heart that was hurting, and refilled my life with joy--He has renewed my passion for Him--so much that I knew that if He never answered my prayer the way I desired Him to, that I would somehow find peace resting in His hands.  He knows what is best for me.  Were there days that I let doubt creep in?  Absolutely.  Did I have to recognize that it was Satan trying to make me feel defeated?  Absolutely. 

I know in this life we will have more waiting periods than we can probably count.  We may have them back to back.  But, friends, don't believe Satan when he starts to tell you that God is never going to come through for you.  When you feel that way, realize that God must be up to something or Satan wouldn't even bother trying to destroy your faith.  Trust in the Lord's timing because when God shows up, and He will, He will show up in a huge way that will completely blow your mind!! 

Try turning your impatience into expectation!

"Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him..."             -Psalm 37:7

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."              -Psalm 27:14

"I wait for you, O Lord; you will answer, O Lord my God."          -Psalm 38:15

Be Blessed!

Jenn

Unhindered Joy...

"Joy is untouched by circumstance." -- Unknown

God has given us a spirit of joy.  It fills our hearts and souls.  It fills our lives.  There is no denying that we are called to live joy-filled lives.

I have always been a joyful, "cup half-full" kind of girl.  But when the realness and struggles of life start to creep in, I have felt that joy being stripped away.  More often than not, I have allowed hurt and bitterness to overtake the joy that I had. Instead of joy overflowing out of my life, bitterness and hurt overflowed. And as a result, it effected every other part of my life.  My relationships, my self-confidence, my faith.  And really the list wouldn't stop there. 

How often do we let other feelings like bitterness, or anger, or fear jump into our lives, pushing out the joy residing in our hearts? 

God has been showing me that this happens only when we allow it to. Ouch.

We all, at some point or another, have felt feelings of hurt, fear, anxiousness, etc.--but if we choose joy, those feelings quickly diminish.  When we focus on where our joy comes from, a God who created us and loves us despite our filthiness, then it is much easier to embrace joy.  I have seen it happen in my own life. 

All that being said, I thought I would share some of the things that bring me joy in life...the big and the small...

*Christ's sacrifice

*God's unwavering love for me

*The faith of children

*An amazing sunset

*Friendships that you know are God-ordained

*A nice, cold Diet Coke (hey, I said big things and small things)

*Snuggling with my puppy

*Pouring my heart out to God and knowing that He cares, even when it feels no one else does

*Sweet, innocent babies :)

*Hanging out with my nephew and niece

*Seeing a prayer answered

*Seeing the people I love happy

I could go on and on because, despite those things in my life that seem "bad,"  the things that bring me joy far outnumber them.

So, for today, I am choosing to have unhindered, unshaken joy. 

Be blessed!
Jenn

Believing...

Hey, Friends!

If you keep up with my blog, you know that a few weeks ago, I had one of those life altering, Jesus encounters.  A moment when, for me, everything changed.  I have felt so much release and peace since that moment, and God has been giving me glimpses of who He truly is.  I feel so much joy.  More than I have felt in a really long time.

That being said, I have been praying for revelation from God.  That He would show me who He is.  That He would tear down all the walls around my heart (and brain, for that matter) and that I would begin to experience ALL of who He is.  That I would have faith that He is who He says He is.  That I would believe.

I can't speak for anyone else out there, but sometimes, I have a hard time truly believing.  Belief in the unseen can sometimes be difficult for our little finite brains to wrap around.  I have never had a problem believing in God, that He sent His son Jesus, that through Christ, I am saved.  I have no problem believing that Jesus is coming back one day, and that I will spend eternity with Him.  I have a hard time believing in the everyday things--Can I believe Him when He says He LOVES me, just a girl who can't seem to get it together?  Can I believe Him when He says that even though things seem impossible to me, that with Him all things are possible?  Can I believe He has the ability to heal the sick, just like that?  Can I believe that He knows the desires of my heart, and wants good for me?

Those are the hard things for me.  Seems ridiculous, right? 

For the last week, through conversations and scripture, God has been urging me to truly, 100%, wholeheartedly believe.  To release those doubts to Him.  And to not just believe for small things--but to start believing for incredible, earthshaking, unbelievable things.

I actually shared this verse on Facebook when I came across it, but will share it here as well.

"Look at the nations and watch--and be utterly amazed.  For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe if you were told."                                             Habakkuk 1:5

God tells us right there that He is going to do something so incredible that it would be hard for us to believe.  How encouraging is that?? 

I am believing that God is going to continue to do incredible things in my life.  And I am believing that God will do something incredible in your lives as well. 

Be blessed!
Jenn

A List of Thoughts...

One thing I like is a good list.  Today is definitely a list kind of day for me.  How do I know?  I have two million thoughts running through my head, and it would be impossible to form any kind of uniformity between all of these thoughts.  Hence, the list.  Here goes...

- My days are a million times better when I start them hanging out with Jesus.  I mean, I think that spending time with Jesus is an important part of any day, whether first thing, on your lunch break, or at night when you settle down for the day.  But for me, I am definitely sure that my morning needs to start with Jesus.  The last couple of days I have laid in bed with my cup of coffee, read the word, and had some seriously good convo with the Lord.  And it has  brought so much joy to the rest of my day.

Psalms 5:3In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you

and wait in expectation.

- Working out, in some form or fashion, every day, is an amazing mood booster :)  I honestly feel better about myself and my day when I do some kind of physical exercise.  It jumpstarts my day, and I feel a million times more productive.  I recently started a new workout program called (don't laugh) Rockin' Body.  It was created by the same guy who started Insanity (which I am not insane enough to try).  I have actually really enjoyed it so far--it's mostly dancing...brings me back to my cheerleading days :)  It's a 4-week program...so I am going to try to be diligent in finishing it!

- When you pray for the Lord to show you something awesome in Scripture...He will be faithful in doing so.  Happened to me this morning.  It was the smallest thing, but had a huge impact on my heart and gave me an overall feeling of peace.

- I love being a stay at home wife :)  Some (or several) people may look down upon that, but there is nothing I love more than being able to serve my husband by cleaning and cooking, and just being here for him for whatever he needs.  For a while, I have worried that people would think "bad things" about me, but I really don't care anymore.  I'm at peace with where God has me right now, in this moment.  And if He decides that needs to change, I will follow whatever His plan may be. 

- My sweet puppy is like the light of my life :)  She is crazy, and energetic, but is the greatest little (or huge, I should say) companion.  She's my buddy.

I guess that is all for now...

Be blessed!!!
Jenn

Heart Change

About a month ago, I blogged about how I was going to take somewhat of a 30 day challenge--something private and personal--and even though it definitely was a challenge (in more ways than you know) it actually turned in to quite a heart changing journey for me.

I know I said I would tell everyone what my challenge was, but after some thoughtful consideration, I decided that I didn't need to share all the details, but rather the outcome. 

I can say that without a doubt, God has been wrecking me.  I can't even really explain it.  And although my journey was about seeking change in a sitution--the real change needed to happen in me.  I have struggled with who I am for a long time...and I am finally realizing that my mentality about who God is and who I am in Him has been misconstrued.

It is honestly pretty hard for me to even share this.  To be brutally honest about it.  I am not entirely sure I even want to, but I know it is important for me to share this because it may be a part of the healing process and it may help someone else in some small way.

For as long as I can remember, I have always been somewhat of a "goody-too-shoes"...I have had clear visions of what I saw as right and wrong--not necessarily what Scripture claims to be right and wrong.  Where these ideas came from...who knows... maybe from church, maybe from adults in my life, maybe from going to a Christian college.  But there is a good chance that maybe my own little brain produced them with no rhyme or reason.  I have never liked to disappoint anyone.  I have lived my life wanting to do everything perfectly--to be the perfect daughter, to be the perfect friend, to be the perfect wife, and most importantly, to be the perfect Christian.  The fact that someone could be disappointed or upset with me would absolutely be the end of the world for me.

I totally believe in trying to be our best.  But my problem is that I have tried to be something I can never be, and in doing that, I was constantly letting myself down.  I have honestly lost all sense of self-confidence because I never feel good enough.  I have set such high expectations for myself, that there is no way I could ever meet them.  I have lost sight of the fact that God thinks I am beautiful no matter what I do or don't do...no matter how many times I mess up.  I have literally worn myself out trying to be something I can never be. I have played the comparison game far too many times, and always end up beating myself up.  I have somehow started to believe that if I am not this "perfect" person, that God is somehow going to love me less. 

That is a hard thing to realize.  And kind of embarassing.  And kind of scary.  I know in my head, that God loves me.  Period.  I know that my parents love.  Period.  I know that my husband loves me.  Period.  But somehow in my heart, that is hard for me to believe that they would love me...no matter what!

The point to this post is that sometimes I think that I have no idea who God really is.  My prayer is that He will sweep all of the misconceptions of who He is and who I am out of my mind.  That my thoughts would be like a clear tablet--and that He would begin to reveal to  me who He really is.  That I will begin to find peace in that.  That I would truly be able to find peace with who I am and who He created me to be.

Sorry this is so lengthy...I hope it makes sense.  Life is definitely a journey, isn't it?

Be blessed!
Jenn

A 30 Day Plan

Hi, friends!

I know it's been a while since I hit up the 'ol blog...and I literally have no excuse besides laziness.  But, alas, I am back and pretty excited to share something with you.

Today marks the beginning of a new plan.  An attempt, I guess you could say, for change.  An attempt at TRULY trusting God, and trusting in His ability to "move mountains."An attempt to accept His love, accept that I am worth something to Him.--and to give that love to others.

Here is the kicker:  I can't tell you what it is until 30 days are over.  I know, I am such a tease.  I am sharing in hopes that anyone who reads this will be in prayer over me and this plan God has laid on my heart.  This heart/attitude/life change for me will not always be easy, so any prayer would be appreciated.

I am so hopeful and confident that at the end of this month, I will have an awesome story for you about God's goodness and faithfulness that will give some of you hope!

{PS--For those of you who are familiar with my life right now, this has nothing to do with a b-a-b-y :)  Although, that would be nice, too!}

Be blessed!
Jenn

Half Marathon Recap

This past Sunday, I ran my second half marathon with my amazing sister, Mere. We ran in the Gulf Coast Half Marathon on Pensacola Beach.

After running my first half about a year ago with my hubby, I really didn't know if I would do it again. I didn't exactly love running. I didn't decide to do another half until I went to cheer on my sister-in-law, Christy, at her half in January. I was up for the challenge again.

Training this time around was pretty good. And for the first time, I was starting to enjoy running. This was a new feeling for me. I would usually dread going out for a run. I finally found a comfortable pace, and decided that it wasn't about how fast I was running, but how I felt during the run.

We arrived at Pensacola Beach around 6ish on race day. The sun was rising, there was an incredible breeze, and it really couldn't have been a more beautiful day for a run. Mere and I lined up towards the back of the running line-up so we wouldn't be a roadblock for the fast runners :)

The first half of the race was pretty awesome. It was nice and cool, and our energy level seemed to stay up. We stayed good and hydrated. I felt great! About mile 10, it started getting really hot and my knees started aching, but I still felt really good. I was ecstatic when I saw the 12 mile marker...

As I neared the finish line, I saw my amazing family cheering me on. That makes all the difference in the world.

I finished with a time of 3:03. Yes...I am aware that is slow. But I don't care. I honestly felt awesome the entire race and finished with a smile on my face!

God answered so many of my prayers-- I had no dehydration issues, no side or stomach cramps, and had a lot of energy the whole race.

It is nice to know that I don't have the pressure to train anymore, and that I can just go out for a run when I feel like it. It will be a while before I do another half--but I definitely plan to keep running :)

Be blessed!

Jenn

Let it Go...

"Sometimes, you just have to let things go."

Ever heard that quote? I usually hear this when I least want to hear it, if you know what I mean. There is a lot of truth to it, but it is not always the easiet thing for me to do.

The older I get, the more I see that I cannot control everything. Some things are completely out of my control. And through that lack of control--I have to learn to "roll with the punches."

Lately, I have had some situations in my life where I so desperately want things to change--and no matter what I do or say--things stay the same. Sometimes I think I even make them worse. I get frustrated. I want to just throw my hands in the air and scream, "What's the point??". I find myself racking my brain for solutions--when the only conclusion that makes sense is to: Just give it God, Jenn--give it to God.

Sometimes you just have to give up the reigns, and trust God to change a situation. I totally believe in being proactive for positive change with some serious prayer tied in, but sometimes you get to a point where you have to entrust it fully to God. A place where you will believe for some serious change that could only be the work of God's hands. Then God gets the glory when He answers. And I get to add yet another time to my testimony where God was faithful.

He has much more power than I do. There is something incredibly peaceful about knowing that I am placing my problems and burdens into the same hands that created this universe.

So after I give it to God--then comes the really hard part. The waiting...

Sometimes I don't feel like I can make it--my heart hurts, my frustrations get me down, satan tries to make me feel like the most insignificant person on the planet--and it's definitely in the waiting period where satan does his best to ruin you.

I was encouraged by Psalm 55:22 which says this:

"Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall."

Not only can I give Him all of my burdens, but He will sustain me!! He won't let me lose all hope. Man, if that isn't encouraging, I don't know what is!

God is definitely being faithful to sustain me in this waiting period--He is good no matter what :)

Be blessed!!

Jenn

Just an Update :)

It has been over two months since my last post...just call me a blog slacker! I can't say that I have been too busy to write--or even that I haven't had any thoughts to share. The truth is I have almost had too much to say, and the thought of sitting down and typing it all out was just too overwhelming :)

I figured it was time to at least give an update--in list format--because that's how I roll :)

• David and I are all settled in after our move to Navarre, FL in December. We are loving the area. David loves his job. I love being a stay at home wife for the time being. It has been so refreshing to be back around friends and family. I still have to stop and give some major thanks to God who worked everything out so intricately for us to be back near the people we love--it was only by God that this could have come together like it did.

• We had a recent addition to our family--our sweet (and crazy) boxer pup, Delilah. She has definitely been some added humor to our lives, and when she isn't running around like we all know puppies like to do, she is the sweetest, snuggliest thing. We love her. She has definitely been a lot of work--I feel like I am getting practice in for being a parent :)

• David and I have been training for different goals--for me it's a half marathon and for him a half Iron Man triathlon. My race is actually this Sunday at Pensacola Beach--and I am excited. I am doubly excited because my sister, Meredith, is coming to race with me. Somehow several months ago I convinced her to run it with me. It will be her first half! I know she is going to do just fine :) Definitely a cool sister bonding activity. David has been working his butt off with his training--from running half marathons like it's nothing to doing 56 mile bike rides...I am amazed by him. Seriously. His triathlon is in May :)

• God has blessed us in some amazing ways. I can't say things are perfect in our lives--we have definitely had our share of trials the last few months, but in the end, there is joy because we know that we serve a God who has our best interest at heart and loves us unconditionally!

I think that is about it...for now at least. Stay tuned for more posts to come (hopefully).

Be blessed!!

Jenn

God Defines Me...

Hi, friends! I'm going to be honest--I have been struggling with a lot of things internally lately. I am trying to face some battles that I have been overlooking for a long time. I don't even know that I am ready to share my insecurities--but God has laid it on my heart to write it all out. Praying that someone else will gain some encouragement from it. I will start by saying this--I feel like I am failing sometimes. Okay--more like all the time. I look at other people in my life, and it seems like they have got it all together. It seems like they have "perfect marriages" and tons of people who love them. It seems like they are so "good" when I am so "bad." I look at my husband who I'm sure deserves a better wife. I look at my friends who deserve more encouragement and prayer from me. I look at my God who deserves for me to be focused whole heartedly on Him. The list could go on and on...I just feel like I am nothing sometimes. At least that is what Satan wants me to believe. And I must confess, that even though I may put on a happy, confident face, I sometimes end up believing the lies that Satan is throwing my way. God has REALLY been working on my heart lately--in a big way that has required me to realize that I am full of imperfections, but that I am LOVED by Him. I have been reading a book lately called Sacred Influence: How God Uses Wives to Shape the Souls of their Husbands by Gary Thomas (which I would highly recommend for any wife...) and there is one quote that I have been reflecting on for a couple of weeks now. Thomas says "God, not your marital status or the condition of your marriage, defines your life." Now, I took this quote to another level in my head by saying God, not other people, not my husband, not my family, not my mom and dad, not my friends etc. etc., define my life. God defines my life. It is one of those things that I have always "known"--but I am just now really starting to live by it. For so long I have compared myself to other people, in a way that has always made me feel less and never good enough. But the truth is--the only person that should matter is God. By focusing on that, I have felt more love than ever before. The Lord has formed me and knows every intricate part of me--and the 'ole saying "God doesn't make junk" (although humorous) rings true. By focusing on God's love for me, and worrying less about how I compare to other people, my relationship with Him is becoming deeper and more authentic. He is who is shaping me into the person He wants me to become. I'm ready to just throw everything out and say "It's just you and me, God. Make me who you want me to be." I'm so thankful for a God who loves us no matter what. Sorry this is like a book--but I hope that someone will be encouraged by it Be blessed! Jenn

Missed Opportunities...

In reflecting on the last year (or really my whole life, for that matter), I couldn't help but think about all the times I should have acted...but didn't. When I felt that deep conviction to say something, but didn't. When my heart started racing, and my palms sweating--and I just sat frozen. Unwilling to give up a bit of "comfort" to love on someone, whether it was a stranger or my closest friend. What if God gave me an opportunity to completely change someone's day--or life, for that matter--and I selfishly shrugged it off? OUCH. I can honestly say that all the times in my life that I decided to reach out to someone or say something the Lord placed on my heart--I ended up being the one who recieved a huge blessing and often a beautiful lesson of God's love. So, why do we let those opportunities pass when God is so clearly putting us in the path of someone who needs a glimpse of His love? My mom told me a story today about my Daddy, who if you don't know him, is an incredible man of God who I have learned so much from. My mom recently went to the ER because she just wasn't feeling right (She is fine, by the way). My dad took her, and while she was getting checked out, he hung out in the waiting room. A man was brought in, who was fighting lung cancer and it didn't look like he was going to make it. His wife was in the waiting room with my dad. My dad witnessed the doctor come out to tell the man's wife those dreaded words, "We did everything we can--he isn't going to make it." She was all alone, no one there to comfort her, and my dad felt such an urge to do something. He went over to the woman, put his arms around her, and asked if he could pray with her. I am getting so choked up just typing this because my Daddy was Christ to that sweet woman right in the waiting room. He could have just sat by and watched her cry, but he didn't. He followed the Spirit's nudge to show the love of Christ to her. How beautiful is that? I don't want to miss any more opportunities to show the love of God to anyone. I don't want to look back and think, "I should have said something, I should have done something." You never know how God is going to work through you if you give Him the chance... Be Blessed! Jenn

A New Year...

I have been pondering for days about what I would write in this blog. I have not written in months--and to be honest--didn't want to. I am ready to get back at it--and much more often now that I have plenty of free time. Much has happened in the last month in the Raney household. So much and so quickly that I don't even know if everything has had a chance to sink in. I can't even fathom how the Lord orchestrated everything. I am just thankful. David graduated from Physical Therapy school in December. It was such a sweet moment--it was like an end to a really hard couple of years, and a chance at a new start. The Lord answered something I had been praying for and longing for the whole time hubby was in school--that we would be able to move "home" where our family is. David was blessed with an amazing job and we are finally back amongst friends and family and so thrilled to be back with our church family. I wish I could express in words how blessed we feel right now. How amazing it feels to let God do all the work--and plot out the path He has for us. To feel like our hearts and desires are in sync with the Lord's will. So, although 2011 was an incredibly rough year we ended it on such a hopeful note. I am incredibly excited about 2012! And just a side note--maybe someone just really needs to hear this today--but when you are going through a storm, hold tight because God is still working through it. There is hope and sunshine at the end of the storm. It is a lesson that I continue to learn over and over in life. God is good. Period. Be blessed, friends! Jenn