The Love of God...

God is so faithful.

The way He loves me--so tenderly--is far more than I can understand.  He is so beautiful.  And just. And He continues to pour out so much grace, because I can never get enough of it.

The last four years have been a challenge for my faith.  The questions. The quiet.  The wondering...What is God's plan?  What is He piecing together in the spiritual realm to answer this ragged heart's cry of the physical realm?  Does He really love me?  

There have been moments where I have felt so far from the warmth of God.  His comfort.  And, although I never doubted His presence, I doubted His love for me. His plan for me.  I desperately wanted to feel close to God again.  To feel like I was walking hand in hand with Him, instead of running the opposite direction in fear.  And I wondered why I just couldn't seem to get there, to get to that place again where it was just me and God, me and the One who stitched together this heart of mine, and who is the only One who can heal the scars.

I have been in this place for far too long.  The place where the doubt runs deep, and seeps into every waking thought.  I keep trying to fight the supernatural with logic.  But God, He isn't logical.  He is miraculous.  And full of surprises.  And so full of love for this doubting heart.  

For a long time, I stopped praying for the longings of my heart, because it hurt everytime I tried to mutter the words.  But I have started talking to God again.  And He has been so faithful to listen with the most tenderness and patience.  And I can't feel anything but gracious.  Because He always welcomes us back to Him without judgement, or anger, and with His arms wide open.  

I feel like I am starting to understand His love again.  I have never felt it more.  And never needed it more than I do right now.  God knows every part of me.  He knows my heart, and He loves it.  This year I am letting God fight my battles.  I am stepping back, being still, and letting Him fight for me.  My hope will always be in Him, and I pray that I never lose sight of the fact that hoping is not in vain.  The prayers, the tears, none of it is in vain.  

As 2016 approaches, I pray you will all deeply know the love of God.  That is will fill you, and grow you, and seep out of you.  

Be blessed.

When Fear Cripples You...

When I woke up this morning, I felt God leading me to write this post.  And, honestly, I whined that I didn't want to because who really wants to expose one's weaknesses?  Especially when it comes to faith and my walk with God.  But I felt God saying that someone needed to know they aren't alone in their struggles...so here I write.

For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with anxiety.  I have struggled big time with "taking my thoughts captive."  My mind can be my biggest enemy sometimes.  I am that person who lives in her head.  And I go through phases--times where I feel in control of my thoughts and body, and times when I do not.  As someone who loves Jesus with all of her heart, it is hard to admit this.  I know that fear and anxiety stem from a lack of trust.  And don't we all desire deeply to trust God wholeheartedly?

That being said...this past week has been a huge wake up call for me.

If you read my blog, or know me, you know our battle with infertility.  Three years ago, we had a tubal pregnancy, which obviously led to miscarriage. I have tried my best to keep my faith strong.  To trust that God was in control.  But for three years, I have feared the worst.  That something was wrong with my body.  That I would never be a mother.  And I have tried to just keep pushing down those fears instead of facing them.

This week, those fears manifested themselves in my body and mind as I faced a test that would tell me if those fears were viable.  I became physically sick.  I went days with no sleep (and that is not an exaggeration).  I had to miss work.  I felt like I was losing my mind.  I felt like there was no way I could calm my body down--like adrenaline was rushing through me and I couldn't rest.  I wanted to just crawl in a hole.  I wanted to run away.  I wanted to isolate myself because I was so embarassed for being so "worked up" over something that would probably not even phase most people.

The test gave us wonderful news.  That my body is as it should be.  And I cried and cried as soon as the doctor told me.  Three years of being fearful led to this one moment in time where God just swooped in and reminded me that He is in control.  And that there is NO REASON for me to fear.

This week has shown me how incredibly important it is for me to give my fears and anxiety to the Lord.  To walk with Him daily, and to trust His truths.  I have learned that I have to stop giving Satan power over my thoughts and my body.  How often we do this without even realizing it!  He is sneaky in his ways--and comes to steal, kill, and destroy.  And he uses the things that are most important to us to try and pull us away from God. And I am tired of feeling a lack of peace.  I know that the only way to have peace is to walk hand in hand with Jesus.  To not give in to those lies being thrown my way.  To be "strong and courageous." God has not given me a spirit of fear...no... that is not from Him.  He has given me, and you, a spirit of POWER!  That is truth.

So, if you are facing some fears and anxiety today--know these things...

1.  You are not alone. God is walking with you, and He has already gone before you.  He knows all of your days before any of them come to be.

2.  Satan only has power in your life if you give it to him.  Don't let him take your joy away.

3.  "It is all going to be ok."  My hubby's favorite words for me.  But it is true. Nothing can ever tear us apart from Jesus.  And eternity with Him...well, it will be beautiful and fear-free.

Be Blessed!

Never Give Up Hope...

Almost three years ago exactly, Hubby and I were sitting in a doctor's office praying to hear the heartbeat of our baby after experiencing what we thought could have been miscarriage symptoms. I was very newly pregnant and had no clue what was going on with my body, but I was scared. I was trying with all my might to be hopeful-because I knew that God was capable of anything.  And then, we got the horrible news that there was no baby, and no heartbeat.  The doctor told us they thought it was an ectopic pregnancy, but that my body was "taking care of things" like it should be.  No medication needed.  No surgery needed.  For that we were grateful.  

Although my body seemed to be functioning correctly, my heart was a shattered mess.  I went through so many emotions- anger, confusion, pain, sadness.  There were times when I was so angry with God, but so thankful at the same time that He was with me.  My doctor at the time assured me that I seemed healthy.  That 1 in 4 women miscarry...that it was sadly common.  She told me that she was so sure I would have a healthy pregnancy.

And here I sit, three years later, wondering why my body has not done what it is supposed to do.  Why God hasn't answered the millions of prayers I have prayed.  Why my heart still feels like it is missing a piece.  

I don't say all of this to gain sympathy, but to say that even though it all, I have never lost my hope.   And I am still hoping.  And always will until God blesses us with a child, or tells us no, or leads us down a different path.  Even through it all, God has taught me more about who He truly is than I could have imagined.  The amount of Grace He has poured over me continues to amaze me.  Knowing that the tears I have cried have not been in vain.  That HE LOVES ME.  He has never left me.  He has not forgotten me.  The Lord has taught me that there is so much truth in the fact that when I am weak, He makes me strong.  

My wise Hubby asked me if I desired a baby more than the will of God.  And I had a hard time answering.  He encouraged me to pray for the will of God, WHATEVER that may be.  And that is truly what my heart longs for.To be in the will of God-EVEN IF that means I may never be a mom.  I believe in my heart that I will be a mom one day in God's timing, but if not, I want to be able to say "Okay, God, I trust you." And mean it.

Whatever you may be going through in your life, don't give up.  God isn't through with you or your story.  You aren't forgotten or alone. He loves you.  And if you have lost your faith, look around you.  God is everywhere.  I will end this post with some bits from Psalm 13.  I have never related more to a scripture than this. Focus on all that God has already done in your life and the lives around You, and trust that He will keep working all things together for the good of those who love Him!

"How long, Lord?  Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide Your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts, 

And day after day have sorrow in my heart?

-------

But I trust in Your unfailing love.

My heart rejoices in Your salvation.

I will sing to the Lord,

For He has been good to me!

Psalm 13: 1-2, 5-6

Be Blessed!

Ministry...

I am going to start this post with a story.

In high school, I was very active in my church and my youth group.  I had an amazing passion for Jesus.  It always just came naturally for me to believe.  Being raised in a God-loving family, I was taught about Jesus' love from a very early age.  And I have always felt such a genuine connection to Christ.  All that being said, during my 9th grade year of high school, I felt such a strong calling to full-time ministry.  So much so, that I decided to declare it to my family, my youth minister, and my church family.  At that point in my life, I had no idea what full-time ministry was going to look like for me.  I loved singing and worship--and felt that may be the path I was going to take.  I thought about attending a Christian college and majoring in music.  But as my senior year of high school wrapped up, I knew in my heart that I was going to major in education.  I was going to be teacher.

Going to a Christian college, I had so many of my amazing friends who, what I felt at the time, were TRULY going into full-time ministry.  Majoring in Christian studies to become preachers, women's ministers, and missionaries.  And something in me always felt like-because I wasn't choosing to do something of that sort- that I was letting God down.  Somewhere along the line, I made up in my mind, that to be in full-time ministry, I would have to become a missionary who traveled the world, or a worship leader, or a preacher's wife.  And my little teaching path just wasn't going to cut it.

It is amazing how we can believe lies for so long.

This past year, I finally accepted that my full-time ministry is teaching.  It doesn't have to have a certain label or standard.  In my heart, God has shown me that teaching is one of the greatest ministries there is.  Caring for His children, shaping their little minds and hearts, teaching them what it means to love and forgive, letting them know that there is such a thing as unconditional love.  That right there--that is my ministry.  And the ways God has used teaching to heal so much of my heart. It is so beautiful that it brings me to tears sometimes.

When we choose to love and follow Christ, aren't our lives full-time ministries?  

It doesn't matter what our job title may be.  Whether you are a teacher, a stay at home momma, a physical therapist, an engineer--whatever it may be--you have the chance to make it your ministry.  We all walk down certain paths in life, meeting and serving different people.  And when we start looking at our "jobs" with purpose, that is when we truly see God.  That is when people start seeing Jesus.

Be Blessed!

Jesus, Yoga, and Faith

I have always enjoyed being active--and go through phases where I really like running, or eating healthy, or making the best smoothies in the world.  But then, life gets busy.  You know how it is. And the exercise stops.  Meals become the thing you can quickly pick up or get delivered to your house.  And you start feeling like your energy is zapped.

I go through this cycle over and over--and never seem to learn my lesson.  And I always feel so convicted.  And emotional.  And apathetic.

Don't you think that it is important to take care of our bodies?  I think we all know we should-but when it comes to taking the steps to do that, it doesn't seem as important as all of the other things in our life.  When is that last time we heard a preacher preach a sermon on the importance of taking care of our temples?  How often do we gather together for fellowship--but stuff of faces full of the most unheatlhy things we can get our hands on?  I feel like in the world of faith, this topic gets overlooked.

Listen...I am preaching to myself.  Trust me.  But I have been thinking about it more and more.  The spiritual and the physical--how are they tied together?

I started doing yoga a couple of months ago.  I felt like it was something I could have the energy to do after a long day with my energetic 5 year olds.  Something I may be able to stick with.  The more I do it, the more I love it.  It started as a way to just get some exercise in.  And now it is a part of my day I really look forward to.  As fun as the physical challenge is--it is a time where I feel like I am mixing the physical with the spiritual.  I turn my worship music up, and as I move through the slow movements, and actually take a few minutes to BREATHE, I feel close to God.  I feel like the the busyness of the world is on hold for just a little while.  I feel like I am doing something good for my body, but also for my faith.  I feel like it is time for reflection and prayer and immense thankfulness.  Thankfulness that I am healthy. Thankfulness for the ability to move freely without pain.  Thankfulness for a God who designed our amazing bodies and our hearts and souls.

The last few weeks, I have really been making an effort to not only exercise, but to eat better.  I gave up soda (insert weeping sounds...) and have been limiting sugar intake.  I have been drinking water. Lots of water.  And now my body literally craves it!  We have been eating lots of fruits and veggies around our house.  Have we eliminated every unhealthy thing from our diet???  NO!  But it's a step in the right direction.

I can honestly say that I feel pretty amazing.  My head doesn't feel so cloudy all the time.  I am able to focus.  I feel like my emotions are more balanced--and that my hubby and students don't have to catch the wrath of my moodiness.  I feel more "together" and peaceful, instead of scatter-brained and anxious. I feel in tune with God.  And I really like that feeling.

So, all this to say--it's important.  It's important for our spiritual lives and our spiritual growth.  It's important to take care of what God has given us.  We are called to be good stewards of EVERYTHING God has blessed us with--and that includes our bodies.  Bad habits die hard, food can become an idol, busyness can become an excuse...but in order to change, you have to acknowledge it.  I had to acknowledge that all of that diet coke I have been chugging (for years!) has been harming my body.  I had to acknowledge that I am not getting any younger, and that I needed to make some better choices when it came to my health.  It hasn't been easy!  Trust me, when I get stressed out at work, the first thing I want to do is grab a diet coke and a candy bar--but that isn't the answer.  It may appease me for a bit, but the stress is always still there after the high wears off.

Starting small has worked for me.  One step at a time. One habit at a time.  And it is going to take time.  Probably a lifetime.  So, don't get discouraged.  And don't underestimate your ability to change bad habits--because let's face it, we all have our weaknesses, but friends, that is where God is made strong.  It's empowering to know that I can't do it alone--but that I do have the strength of God on my side.

And...that was the longest most "all-over-the-place" post ever :)  Hope it encouraged some of you in some small way.

Be blessed!
  

The Air is Changing...

It has been since August since I last blogged.  I guess it is safe to say that I am a chronic sporadic blogger.  But that's ok.  Makes every blog count a little bit more, right?

Things in the Raney household have been CRAZY. BUSY. as of late.  Lots of working for both Hubby and me.  But still wonderful, nonetheless.

These past few months, as busy as they have been, have been a breath of fresh air.  A shift in thinking can make all the difference in the world.  I have been making a conscious effort to be present, not wishing away this season of life (as I wrote about in my last blog...).  To look for the good in everything (my ZTA creed just came rushing back to me...haha).  But really, there is GOOD in everything if we look hard enough.  And making an effort to really, REALLY be thankful.  Because in reality, I am so rich.  I have an amazing husband, a job I absolutely adore, friends that make life more beautiful, and a family that I would not trade for anything.  And ultimately, I have Jesus.  Who loves me.  Crazy, dysfunctional, ME.  Sometimes you have to take a minute to just let that sink in.

Once I shifted my thinking from:
everything is horrible
nothing is ever going to change
I am miserable
why are things so hard?
I am an awful person
 TO:
 God has it.  
He has my life.  
He promises to not harm me, but give me hope and a future.  
I have hope.  
Look what He has done.  
LOOK WHAT HE HAS DONE...it's enough!  
I am blessed.  
He knows my heart.  
I believe in His promises for my life, and I will cling to them with all my might.

When I shifted my thinking...EVERYTHING CHANGED.

The joy I thought I had lost forever--was returned to me.  The anxious heart and physical anxiety I was experiencing--subsided.  The hopelessness was replaced with hope and security.  The fear of the future...all the why's...suddenly were answered with God is in control.  

Everything is not perfect...far from it.

All of my prayers have not been answered...

But that's ok.

I wasted three years of my life struggling to understand.  Struggling to have joy.  And struggling to even truly believe, if I am being completely honest.  Don't be like me.  Life is too short to live that way.  And maybe the truth is, I never really trusted God with my entire life.  With every single piece of it.  I was struggling to give over bits and pieces, holding on to them as if me being in control would EVER work.  No more of that.

So, as a new year approaches us so quickly--choose to be present, not wishing away your life.  Or always wishing things were different.  God has you where you are for a reason.  Instead of being sad, or mad, or confused about it--try looking for the beauty in it.  Because it is there shining in even the darkest of places.

Be blessed, friends!

  

On Being Content...

For those of you who read, it's no shocker that I have been in a season of waiting for a long time.  Waiting to be a mom.  Waiting for things to "look up".  Waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel.  Always looking ahead, and wanting what seems to be out of my reach.  Wishing away the moments of today, and hoping for what's in front of me.

Yesterday, in my short 10 minute commute to work, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I have to stop wishing away this season of life. 

I am a planner.  Always have been.  And really, that trait comes in handy with the career I am in.  Always prepared and ready.  Always knowing what is next.  But in life, let's just be real, our plans really never pan out the way we think they will.  I will be 30 in October (AHHHH!), and if my plans would have gone the way I wanted, I would be a stay at home mom with a few kids by now. 

The thing about my plans, is that they were MY plans--not God's plans.  God has obviously planned something very different for me.  Why is it so hard to accept God's plans over my own-when I know that ultimately, His plans are perfect and wonderful, and are much more than I could fathom? 

And as I drove, I began to think--I have to accept this place He has me. And not only accept it, but find the beauty in it.  I have to shift my thinking to the here and now, instead of wishing for the days to come.  Because, really, our days are short.  And every day matters.

So, as I am a month and a few short days from 30--I am accepting that instead of being a mom with my own kids, I am a Kindergarten teacher to 18 of the cutest kids ever.  I am accepting that I am not a stay at home mom and wife, but a working woman who may be a bit of a workaholic and who can rarely keep her house clean.  I am accepting that instead of investing my time into my own children, I get the privilege to invest my time and energy in my students--some of which need me to show them the love of Jesus. 

And not only do I accept this path that God has placed me on, but I am going to start rejoicing in it.  Because I am not worthless--He has given me a spirit of POWER--He has given me an amazing responsibility to LOVE His children, whom He treasures.  He has given me such a passion for working with  kids and a career where He can use me to teach love, compassion, friendship, and grace.  And that really is beautiful, and it really does matter. 

So, here is to being content in this season.  Here is to knowing I have all I need for right now.  Here is to knowing that God is good, and His plans are amazing, even with the hardships that certain seasons may bring.

Be Blessed!