Grace Rains

When I was younger, I loved to write.  I was always that English geek who loved any assignment that ended with me writing a poem or haiku (remember those??).  All through college, I would pick up my pen and jot down my feelings creatively in my journal. I rarely shared my writings with anyone--maybe my roommates now and then.  But it was mostly for me.  A way to channel my feelings and fear, hopes and dreams.  It has been a very long time since I have written anything. I feel like I have had all of these life experiences, but lacked the energy to dwell on them enough to write about them.  Until today.  I woke up wanting to write.  And so I did.  So I thought I would share. 

*Disclaimer*- I don't claim to be an amazing writer (so please don't laugh)--but it isn't about being amazing after all :) 

 

Grace Rains

 

Sunny Days

And all was okay

Until the clouds rolled in

And blew the sun away.

 

The rain fell hard

And pelted skin deep

The wind blew mighty

and knocked me off my feet.

 

But there amidst the storm

The fire from the sky

I saw what was a promise

and I felt hope arise.

 

I felt hope stirring

Deeply in my soul

And seeing that bow of colors

I knew I could let go.

 

So I put down my barrier

My umbrella shield

And I walked among the drops

That the sky dared to yield.

 

I was washed by the rain

Bathed in grace

And it was then and there I knew why

 I was standing in this place.

 

Even if the sun

Never shone it's face again

I was loved through the storm

I was loved by Him.

Be blessed, friends!
Jenn

When You Just Can't Bounce Back...

Here comes some honesty.

I usually get over things pretty quickly--as in I am a glass half full kind of girl.  I have always been one to look for the good in things, no matter how hard they may seem at the time.  And that has helped me through the trials I have faced in my life up until this point.

Then the loss of a baby, and a dream.  And the "bouncing back" just isn't coming easily to me.  Not this time. 

I don't know how I was expecting to feel.  But it wasn't like this.  I haven't been able to feel much of anything the last few weeks.  Just numbness.  This is a new feeling for this overly emotional girl.  And just when I feel like I am beginning to heal--something else happens--and it makes it seem like this is never going to end.  The thought of even trying to have kids again--I just can't even really entertain the thought right now.  And that makes me sad.

On the health side of this, my body hasn't been cooperating exactly like it should.  I am still experiencing "miscarriage symptoms" five weeks after the fact, and my hormone levels are going  down, but are dropping very slowly.  Thankfully, after a visit with my doctor today, I was assured that there is no need for medication or surgery, and that my body is doing what it is supposed to, just very slowly...

So--all in all, I am ready for this to be over.  I want to move on.  I want to heal, physically and emotionally.  I'm just over it all.

Despite all of this--God has still been faithful to me.  I heard one of my all time favorite songs today--My Redeemer Lives by Nicole Mullen...an oldie but a goodie.  One of verses says this--and it was exactly what I needed to be reminded of today...

The very same God that spins things in orbit

Runs to the weary, the worn and the weak

And the same gentle hands

That hold me when I'm broken

They've conquered death to bring me victory.

 

And that, my friends, is truth.  That despite the trials we may face, God is holding us in His hands--those very hands that formed everything we see around us.  Those hands that pick us up, and guide us through the valley moments.  And despite those times when we feel like nothing will ever get better, we can hold on to the promise that we have victory because of Christ.  

I have been so thankful to those of you who have been lifting me up in words, and thoughts, and prayers.  You have no idea how blessed I have been by your outpouring of love and thoughtfulness.  I know that restoration is coming for me--and I know that this is not the end for my dreams of being a mom. Stay tuned because I know there will be more to this story...God's plan is perfect!

Be blessed!
Jenn

Trusting God with a Broken Heart...

I have so many emotions locked up inside of me that I feel at any moment I could just explode.  Or cry.  Or scream.  Maybe writing it out can help.  Worth a try.

The last four weeks of my life have gone from total elation and excitement...thankfulness--to fear and uncertainty--to extreme heartache.  It has been hard--maybe one of the hardest times I have ever been through.  I would love to tell you that I know everything will be okay eventually--I know it in my head, but my heart has some catching up to do.

Here's the story:
Four weeks ago I found out I was pregnant.  I was finally going to be a Mommy.  I was finally going to have my biggest dream fulfilled.  I was thankful, so very thankful.  Anyone who truly knows me knows that I have wanted to have a baby more than anything, so getting to see those two pink lines on the pregnancy test was one of the happiest moments of my life.

We were so excited that we told our parents,siblings, and close friends.  My parents could not have been more overjoyed at the thought of finally becoming grandparents.  My sister-in-law is pregnant, so we were excited to go through pregnancy together.  Oh our sweet babies would be the same age, best friends.  Everything seemed almost too good to be true.

Then, the bleeding started.  And panic began to creep it's way in.

I made a doctor's appointment.  She said everything seemed okay, but we would do a 48 hour HcG test to make sure my hormone levels were doubling.  This was the longest 48 hours of my life.  But I trusted God...I trusted His will for my life and my baby--and despite fleeting moments of fear, I felt peace that I knew could only have come from Him.

48-hours--and then the results.  Hormone levels went down, but not enough to think it was a miscarriage.  Wait 10 more days for an ultrasound.  10 DAYS.  This wait was almost unbearable.  Deep in my heart I think I knew that something was wrong.  But I tried to stay hopeful. If God wanted to save this baby, He could. 

10 long days of an emotional rollercoaster, trying to prepare myself for the worst--an almost impossible task.  We went in for our ultrasound the same morning that Tropical Storm Isaac hit.  And there it was--no baby.  No heartbeat.  I couldn't even look at the screen because I knew.  Deep down inside, I knew.

Miscarriage.  That word I had feared for three weeks.  There it was.  And I lost it.  The tears came, and I wasn't sure if they were going to stop. 

My friends and family had been awaiting the news, they had been praying diligently.  The sweetest texts and phone calls began to come in.  My amazing parents stopped what they were doing, and drove all the way to my house in horrible weather just so they could hug me.  My amazing girlfriends, who have genuinely become so much more than friends, but rather family, sent me a bouquet of sunshine to cheer me up.  Even in the midst of heartache, I have so much to be grateful for. 

It has been one week since the news.  And there are moments that I feel at peace, there are moments of intense sadness, and there are even moments of anger.  I don't understand--but I am trying to remember that God's plan is perfect.  His plan for me is perfect.  This loss is just part of my story.  And as for my sweet baby--well, I like to think that God loved that baby so much that He couldn't stand not to have it in Heaven with Him. 

Now comes the healing--physically and emotionally.  Now comes the part where I trust God with my broken-to-a-million-pieces heart.  I have to.  Now comes the rebuilding.  I have to continue to let God work, and trust that His plan for me is going to blow my mind.  I have seen His goodness and restoration in my life already, and for that I am thankful.

Sorry this post is so heavy, but this was part of my testimony--and I know in the days, months to come that God is going to do some amazing work in my life--and I can't wait to share.

Be blessed!
Jenn