About a month ago, I blogged about how I was going to take somewhat of a 30 day challenge--something private and personal--and even though it definitely was a challenge (in more ways than you know) it actually turned in to quite a heart changing journey for me.
I know I said I would tell everyone what my challenge was, but after some thoughtful consideration, I decided that I didn't need to share all the details, but rather the outcome.
I can say that without a doubt, God has been wrecking me. I can't even really explain it. And although my journey was about seeking change in a sitution--the real change needed to happen in me. I have struggled with who I am for a long time...and I am finally realizing that my mentality about who God is and who I am in Him has been misconstrued.
It is honestly pretty hard for me to even share this. To be brutally honest about it. I am not entirely sure I even want to, but I know it is important for me to share this because it may be a part of the healing process and it may help someone else in some small way.
For as long as I can remember, I have always been somewhat of a "goody-too-shoes"...I have had clear visions of what I saw as right and wrong--not necessarily what Scripture claims to be right and wrong. Where these ideas came from...who knows... maybe from church, maybe from adults in my life, maybe from going to a Christian college. But there is a good chance that maybe my own little brain produced them with no rhyme or reason. I have never liked to disappoint anyone. I have lived my life wanting to do everything perfectly--to be the perfect daughter, to be the perfect friend, to be the perfect wife, and most importantly, to be the perfect Christian. The fact that someone could be disappointed or upset with me would absolutely be the end of the world for me.
I totally believe in trying to be our best. But my problem is that I have tried to be something I can never be, and in doing that, I was constantly letting myself down. I have honestly lost all sense of self-confidence because I never feel good enough. I have set such high expectations for myself, that there is no way I could ever meet them. I have lost sight of the fact that God thinks I am beautiful no matter what I do or don't do...no matter how many times I mess up. I have literally worn myself out trying to be something I can never be. I have played the comparison game far too many times, and always end up beating myself up. I have somehow started to believe that if I am not this "perfect" person, that God is somehow going to love me less.
That is a hard thing to realize. And kind of embarassing. And kind of scary. I know in my head, that God loves me. Period. I know that my parents love. Period. I know that my husband loves me. Period. But somehow in my heart, that is hard for me to believe that they would love me...no matter what!
The point to this post is that sometimes I think that I have no idea who God really is. My prayer is that He will sweep all of the misconceptions of who He is and who I am out of my mind. That my thoughts would be like a clear tablet--and that He would begin to reveal to me who He really is. That I will begin to find peace in that. That I would truly be able to find peace with who I am and who He created me to be.
Sorry this is so lengthy...I hope it makes sense. Life is definitely a journey, isn't it?
Be blessed!
Jenn
Wow Jenn! You were reading my mail with that one. Thank you so much for sharing your heart. I think so many of us have fallen into that trap of making the list of rights and wrongs and judging others & ourselves by that standard instead of looking thru the eyes of Christ and God's Word. You are a beautiful woman of God, inside & out and I pray that you will see yourself the way God does. Be blessed!!!
ReplyDelete-Ketura