Trusting God with a Broken Heart...

I have so many emotions locked up inside of me that I feel at any moment I could just explode.  Or cry.  Or scream.  Maybe writing it out can help.  Worth a try.

The last four weeks of my life have gone from total elation and excitement...thankfulness--to fear and uncertainty--to extreme heartache.  It has been hard--maybe one of the hardest times I have ever been through.  I would love to tell you that I know everything will be okay eventually--I know it in my head, but my heart has some catching up to do.

Here's the story:
Four weeks ago I found out I was pregnant.  I was finally going to be a Mommy.  I was finally going to have my biggest dream fulfilled.  I was thankful, so very thankful.  Anyone who truly knows me knows that I have wanted to have a baby more than anything, so getting to see those two pink lines on the pregnancy test was one of the happiest moments of my life.

We were so excited that we told our parents,siblings, and close friends.  My parents could not have been more overjoyed at the thought of finally becoming grandparents.  My sister-in-law is pregnant, so we were excited to go through pregnancy together.  Oh our sweet babies would be the same age, best friends.  Everything seemed almost too good to be true.

Then, the bleeding started.  And panic began to creep it's way in.

I made a doctor's appointment.  She said everything seemed okay, but we would do a 48 hour HcG test to make sure my hormone levels were doubling.  This was the longest 48 hours of my life.  But I trusted God...I trusted His will for my life and my baby--and despite fleeting moments of fear, I felt peace that I knew could only have come from Him.

48-hours--and then the results.  Hormone levels went down, but not enough to think it was a miscarriage.  Wait 10 more days for an ultrasound.  10 DAYS.  This wait was almost unbearable.  Deep in my heart I think I knew that something was wrong.  But I tried to stay hopeful. If God wanted to save this baby, He could. 

10 long days of an emotional rollercoaster, trying to prepare myself for the worst--an almost impossible task.  We went in for our ultrasound the same morning that Tropical Storm Isaac hit.  And there it was--no baby.  No heartbeat.  I couldn't even look at the screen because I knew.  Deep down inside, I knew.

Miscarriage.  That word I had feared for three weeks.  There it was.  And I lost it.  The tears came, and I wasn't sure if they were going to stop. 

My friends and family had been awaiting the news, they had been praying diligently.  The sweetest texts and phone calls began to come in.  My amazing parents stopped what they were doing, and drove all the way to my house in horrible weather just so they could hug me.  My amazing girlfriends, who have genuinely become so much more than friends, but rather family, sent me a bouquet of sunshine to cheer me up.  Even in the midst of heartache, I have so much to be grateful for. 

It has been one week since the news.  And there are moments that I feel at peace, there are moments of intense sadness, and there are even moments of anger.  I don't understand--but I am trying to remember that God's plan is perfect.  His plan for me is perfect.  This loss is just part of my story.  And as for my sweet baby--well, I like to think that God loved that baby so much that He couldn't stand not to have it in Heaven with Him. 

Now comes the healing--physically and emotionally.  Now comes the part where I trust God with my broken-to-a-million-pieces heart.  I have to.  Now comes the rebuilding.  I have to continue to let God work, and trust that His plan for me is going to blow my mind.  I have seen His goodness and restoration in my life already, and for that I am thankful.

Sorry this post is so heavy, but this was part of my testimony--and I know in the days, months to come that God is going to do some amazing work in my life--and I can't wait to share.

Be blessed!
Jenn