Relief...

Yesterday afternoon was beautiful.  I sat outside with my sweet pup.  All I could hear were the birds singing their song.  The air was cool.  And I just wanted to soak it all up. 

As I sat there, I began to pray. 

See, the last few weeks I have literally fought to be strong.  No tears, no emotion.  No allowing myself to think about what has happened, what is still happening.  No thinking about the future.  Just numbness.

And as I sat outside yesterday--I began to talk to God.  I talked to Him from a place of hurt and fear.  I talked to Him without trying to be strong.  And the tears began to flow.  But, for once, they weren't even sad tears.  They were almost tears of relief.  Of letting go. 

Lately, it has been hard to pray.  And not because I am angry at God and have no desire to speak with Him, but more because pouring my soul out to Him would only lead to an outburst of pure emotion.  And I just haven't had the strength to go there.

And as I finally allowed myself to go into that place, vulnerable and weak, I felt for the first time that everything was going to be okay.  It is easy to whisper those words--it will be okay--but to truly feel that-what peace that brings! God has already written a beautiful story for my life, and this part of my story is preparing me for something amazing.  I felt excited about the days to come--the new possibilities, the new chapters. 

I am so excited about the day when I will become a mother.  And I know that God will fulfill that desire some day.  But while I am waiting, I plan on soaking up all of who my Savior is.  I plan on living my life in the present, not for the days ahead. I am going to take full advantage of this time I have been given. 

And, friends, I ask you to pray for my physical body.  My hormone levels are still dropping (thank  you , Jesus!), but the doctor has to follow them all the way to zero which means getting pricked for blood tests every week.  Please pray that they get there!  Once they get to zero, we have to wait two months before trying again.  I am just so ready for my body to get back to "normal."  Thanks!

Be blessed, friends!
Jenn