The Love of God...

God is so faithful.

The way He loves me--so tenderly--is far more than I can understand.  He is so beautiful.  And just. And He continues to pour out so much grace, because I can never get enough of it.

The last four years have been a challenge for my faith.  The questions. The quiet.  The wondering...What is God's plan?  What is He piecing together in the spiritual realm to answer this ragged heart's cry of the physical realm?  Does He really love me?  

There have been moments where I have felt so far from the warmth of God.  His comfort.  And, although I never doubted His presence, I doubted His love for me. His plan for me.  I desperately wanted to feel close to God again.  To feel like I was walking hand in hand with Him, instead of running the opposite direction in fear.  And I wondered why I just couldn't seem to get there, to get to that place again where it was just me and God, me and the One who stitched together this heart of mine, and who is the only One who can heal the scars.

I have been in this place for far too long.  The place where the doubt runs deep, and seeps into every waking thought.  I keep trying to fight the supernatural with logic.  But God, He isn't logical.  He is miraculous.  And full of surprises.  And so full of love for this doubting heart.  

For a long time, I stopped praying for the longings of my heart, because it hurt everytime I tried to mutter the words.  But I have started talking to God again.  And He has been so faithful to listen with the most tenderness and patience.  And I can't feel anything but gracious.  Because He always welcomes us back to Him without judgement, or anger, and with His arms wide open.  

I feel like I am starting to understand His love again.  I have never felt it more.  And never needed it more than I do right now.  God knows every part of me.  He knows my heart, and He loves it.  This year I am letting God fight my battles.  I am stepping back, being still, and letting Him fight for me.  My hope will always be in Him, and I pray that I never lose sight of the fact that hoping is not in vain.  The prayers, the tears, none of it is in vain.  

As 2016 approaches, I pray you will all deeply know the love of God.  That is will fill you, and grow you, and seep out of you.  

Be blessed.

When Fear Cripples You...

When I woke up this morning, I felt God leading me to write this post.  And, honestly, I whined that I didn't want to because who really wants to expose one's weaknesses?  Especially when it comes to faith and my walk with God.  But I felt God saying that someone needed to know they aren't alone in their struggles...so here I write.

For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with anxiety.  I have struggled big time with "taking my thoughts captive."  My mind can be my biggest enemy sometimes.  I am that person who lives in her head.  And I go through phases--times where I feel in control of my thoughts and body, and times when I do not.  As someone who loves Jesus with all of her heart, it is hard to admit this.  I know that fear and anxiety stem from a lack of trust.  And don't we all desire deeply to trust God wholeheartedly?

That being said...this past week has been a huge wake up call for me.

If you read my blog, or know me, you know our battle with infertility.  Three years ago, we had a tubal pregnancy, which obviously led to miscarriage. I have tried my best to keep my faith strong.  To trust that God was in control.  But for three years, I have feared the worst.  That something was wrong with my body.  That I would never be a mother.  And I have tried to just keep pushing down those fears instead of facing them.

This week, those fears manifested themselves in my body and mind as I faced a test that would tell me if those fears were viable.  I became physically sick.  I went days with no sleep (and that is not an exaggeration).  I had to miss work.  I felt like I was losing my mind.  I felt like there was no way I could calm my body down--like adrenaline was rushing through me and I couldn't rest.  I wanted to just crawl in a hole.  I wanted to run away.  I wanted to isolate myself because I was so embarassed for being so "worked up" over something that would probably not even phase most people.

The test gave us wonderful news.  That my body is as it should be.  And I cried and cried as soon as the doctor told me.  Three years of being fearful led to this one moment in time where God just swooped in and reminded me that He is in control.  And that there is NO REASON for me to fear.

This week has shown me how incredibly important it is for me to give my fears and anxiety to the Lord.  To walk with Him daily, and to trust His truths.  I have learned that I have to stop giving Satan power over my thoughts and my body.  How often we do this without even realizing it!  He is sneaky in his ways--and comes to steal, kill, and destroy.  And he uses the things that are most important to us to try and pull us away from God. And I am tired of feeling a lack of peace.  I know that the only way to have peace is to walk hand in hand with Jesus.  To not give in to those lies being thrown my way.  To be "strong and courageous." God has not given me a spirit of fear...no... that is not from Him.  He has given me, and you, a spirit of POWER!  That is truth.

So, if you are facing some fears and anxiety today--know these things...

1.  You are not alone. God is walking with you, and He has already gone before you.  He knows all of your days before any of them come to be.

2.  Satan only has power in your life if you give it to him.  Don't let him take your joy away.

3.  "It is all going to be ok."  My hubby's favorite words for me.  But it is true. Nothing can ever tear us apart from Jesus.  And eternity with Him...well, it will be beautiful and fear-free.

Be Blessed!

Never Give Up Hope...

Almost three years ago exactly, Hubby and I were sitting in a doctor's office praying to hear the heartbeat of our baby after experiencing what we thought could have been miscarriage symptoms. I was very newly pregnant and had no clue what was going on with my body, but I was scared. I was trying with all my might to be hopeful-because I knew that God was capable of anything.  And then, we got the horrible news that there was no baby, and no heartbeat.  The doctor told us they thought it was an ectopic pregnancy, but that my body was "taking care of things" like it should be.  No medication needed.  No surgery needed.  For that we were grateful.  

Although my body seemed to be functioning correctly, my heart was a shattered mess.  I went through so many emotions- anger, confusion, pain, sadness.  There were times when I was so angry with God, but so thankful at the same time that He was with me.  My doctor at the time assured me that I seemed healthy.  That 1 in 4 women miscarry...that it was sadly common.  She told me that she was so sure I would have a healthy pregnancy.

And here I sit, three years later, wondering why my body has not done what it is supposed to do.  Why God hasn't answered the millions of prayers I have prayed.  Why my heart still feels like it is missing a piece.  

I don't say all of this to gain sympathy, but to say that even though it all, I have never lost my hope.   And I am still hoping.  And always will until God blesses us with a child, or tells us no, or leads us down a different path.  Even through it all, God has taught me more about who He truly is than I could have imagined.  The amount of Grace He has poured over me continues to amaze me.  Knowing that the tears I have cried have not been in vain.  That HE LOVES ME.  He has never left me.  He has not forgotten me.  The Lord has taught me that there is so much truth in the fact that when I am weak, He makes me strong.  

My wise Hubby asked me if I desired a baby more than the will of God.  And I had a hard time answering.  He encouraged me to pray for the will of God, WHATEVER that may be.  And that is truly what my heart longs for.To be in the will of God-EVEN IF that means I may never be a mom.  I believe in my heart that I will be a mom one day in God's timing, but if not, I want to be able to say "Okay, God, I trust you." And mean it.

Whatever you may be going through in your life, don't give up.  God isn't through with you or your story.  You aren't forgotten or alone. He loves you.  And if you have lost your faith, look around you.  God is everywhere.  I will end this post with some bits from Psalm 13.  I have never related more to a scripture than this. Focus on all that God has already done in your life and the lives around You, and trust that He will keep working all things together for the good of those who love Him!

"How long, Lord?  Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide Your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts, 

And day after day have sorrow in my heart?

-------

But I trust in Your unfailing love.

My heart rejoices in Your salvation.

I will sing to the Lord,

For He has been good to me!

Psalm 13: 1-2, 5-6

Be Blessed!

Ministry...

I am going to start this post with a story.

In high school, I was very active in my church and my youth group.  I had an amazing passion for Jesus.  It always just came naturally for me to believe.  Being raised in a God-loving family, I was taught about Jesus' love from a very early age.  And I have always felt such a genuine connection to Christ.  All that being said, during my 9th grade year of high school, I felt such a strong calling to full-time ministry.  So much so, that I decided to declare it to my family, my youth minister, and my church family.  At that point in my life, I had no idea what full-time ministry was going to look like for me.  I loved singing and worship--and felt that may be the path I was going to take.  I thought about attending a Christian college and majoring in music.  But as my senior year of high school wrapped up, I knew in my heart that I was going to major in education.  I was going to be teacher.

Going to a Christian college, I had so many of my amazing friends who, what I felt at the time, were TRULY going into full-time ministry.  Majoring in Christian studies to become preachers, women's ministers, and missionaries.  And something in me always felt like-because I wasn't choosing to do something of that sort- that I was letting God down.  Somewhere along the line, I made up in my mind, that to be in full-time ministry, I would have to become a missionary who traveled the world, or a worship leader, or a preacher's wife.  And my little teaching path just wasn't going to cut it.

It is amazing how we can believe lies for so long.

This past year, I finally accepted that my full-time ministry is teaching.  It doesn't have to have a certain label or standard.  In my heart, God has shown me that teaching is one of the greatest ministries there is.  Caring for His children, shaping their little minds and hearts, teaching them what it means to love and forgive, letting them know that there is such a thing as unconditional love.  That right there--that is my ministry.  And the ways God has used teaching to heal so much of my heart. It is so beautiful that it brings me to tears sometimes.

When we choose to love and follow Christ, aren't our lives full-time ministries?  

It doesn't matter what our job title may be.  Whether you are a teacher, a stay at home momma, a physical therapist, an engineer--whatever it may be--you have the chance to make it your ministry.  We all walk down certain paths in life, meeting and serving different people.  And when we start looking at our "jobs" with purpose, that is when we truly see God.  That is when people start seeing Jesus.

Be Blessed!

Jesus, Yoga, and Faith

I have always enjoyed being active--and go through phases where I really like running, or eating healthy, or making the best smoothies in the world.  But then, life gets busy.  You know how it is. And the exercise stops.  Meals become the thing you can quickly pick up or get delivered to your house.  And you start feeling like your energy is zapped.

I go through this cycle over and over--and never seem to learn my lesson.  And I always feel so convicted.  And emotional.  And apathetic.

Don't you think that it is important to take care of our bodies?  I think we all know we should-but when it comes to taking the steps to do that, it doesn't seem as important as all of the other things in our life.  When is that last time we heard a preacher preach a sermon on the importance of taking care of our temples?  How often do we gather together for fellowship--but stuff of faces full of the most unheatlhy things we can get our hands on?  I feel like in the world of faith, this topic gets overlooked.

Listen...I am preaching to myself.  Trust me.  But I have been thinking about it more and more.  The spiritual and the physical--how are they tied together?

I started doing yoga a couple of months ago.  I felt like it was something I could have the energy to do after a long day with my energetic 5 year olds.  Something I may be able to stick with.  The more I do it, the more I love it.  It started as a way to just get some exercise in.  And now it is a part of my day I really look forward to.  As fun as the physical challenge is--it is a time where I feel like I am mixing the physical with the spiritual.  I turn my worship music up, and as I move through the slow movements, and actually take a few minutes to BREATHE, I feel close to God.  I feel like the the busyness of the world is on hold for just a little while.  I feel like I am doing something good for my body, but also for my faith.  I feel like it is time for reflection and prayer and immense thankfulness.  Thankfulness that I am healthy. Thankfulness for the ability to move freely without pain.  Thankfulness for a God who designed our amazing bodies and our hearts and souls.

The last few weeks, I have really been making an effort to not only exercise, but to eat better.  I gave up soda (insert weeping sounds...) and have been limiting sugar intake.  I have been drinking water. Lots of water.  And now my body literally craves it!  We have been eating lots of fruits and veggies around our house.  Have we eliminated every unhealthy thing from our diet???  NO!  But it's a step in the right direction.

I can honestly say that I feel pretty amazing.  My head doesn't feel so cloudy all the time.  I am able to focus.  I feel like my emotions are more balanced--and that my hubby and students don't have to catch the wrath of my moodiness.  I feel more "together" and peaceful, instead of scatter-brained and anxious. I feel in tune with God.  And I really like that feeling.

So, all this to say--it's important.  It's important for our spiritual lives and our spiritual growth.  It's important to take care of what God has given us.  We are called to be good stewards of EVERYTHING God has blessed us with--and that includes our bodies.  Bad habits die hard, food can become an idol, busyness can become an excuse...but in order to change, you have to acknowledge it.  I had to acknowledge that all of that diet coke I have been chugging (for years!) has been harming my body.  I had to acknowledge that I am not getting any younger, and that I needed to make some better choices when it came to my health.  It hasn't been easy!  Trust me, when I get stressed out at work, the first thing I want to do is grab a diet coke and a candy bar--but that isn't the answer.  It may appease me for a bit, but the stress is always still there after the high wears off.

Starting small has worked for me.  One step at a time. One habit at a time.  And it is going to take time.  Probably a lifetime.  So, don't get discouraged.  And don't underestimate your ability to change bad habits--because let's face it, we all have our weaknesses, but friends, that is where God is made strong.  It's empowering to know that I can't do it alone--but that I do have the strength of God on my side.

And...that was the longest most "all-over-the-place" post ever :)  Hope it encouraged some of you in some small way.

Be blessed!
  

The Air is Changing...

It has been since August since I last blogged.  I guess it is safe to say that I am a chronic sporadic blogger.  But that's ok.  Makes every blog count a little bit more, right?

Things in the Raney household have been CRAZY. BUSY. as of late.  Lots of working for both Hubby and me.  But still wonderful, nonetheless.

These past few months, as busy as they have been, have been a breath of fresh air.  A shift in thinking can make all the difference in the world.  I have been making a conscious effort to be present, not wishing away this season of life (as I wrote about in my last blog...).  To look for the good in everything (my ZTA creed just came rushing back to me...haha).  But really, there is GOOD in everything if we look hard enough.  And making an effort to really, REALLY be thankful.  Because in reality, I am so rich.  I have an amazing husband, a job I absolutely adore, friends that make life more beautiful, and a family that I would not trade for anything.  And ultimately, I have Jesus.  Who loves me.  Crazy, dysfunctional, ME.  Sometimes you have to take a minute to just let that sink in.

Once I shifted my thinking from:
everything is horrible
nothing is ever going to change
I am miserable
why are things so hard?
I am an awful person
 TO:
 God has it.  
He has my life.  
He promises to not harm me, but give me hope and a future.  
I have hope.  
Look what He has done.  
LOOK WHAT HE HAS DONE...it's enough!  
I am blessed.  
He knows my heart.  
I believe in His promises for my life, and I will cling to them with all my might.

When I shifted my thinking...EVERYTHING CHANGED.

The joy I thought I had lost forever--was returned to me.  The anxious heart and physical anxiety I was experiencing--subsided.  The hopelessness was replaced with hope and security.  The fear of the future...all the why's...suddenly were answered with God is in control.  

Everything is not perfect...far from it.

All of my prayers have not been answered...

But that's ok.

I wasted three years of my life struggling to understand.  Struggling to have joy.  And struggling to even truly believe, if I am being completely honest.  Don't be like me.  Life is too short to live that way.  And maybe the truth is, I never really trusted God with my entire life.  With every single piece of it.  I was struggling to give over bits and pieces, holding on to them as if me being in control would EVER work.  No more of that.

So, as a new year approaches us so quickly--choose to be present, not wishing away your life.  Or always wishing things were different.  God has you where you are for a reason.  Instead of being sad, or mad, or confused about it--try looking for the beauty in it.  Because it is there shining in even the darkest of places.

Be blessed, friends!

  

On Being Content...

For those of you who read, it's no shocker that I have been in a season of waiting for a long time.  Waiting to be a mom.  Waiting for things to "look up".  Waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel.  Always looking ahead, and wanting what seems to be out of my reach.  Wishing away the moments of today, and hoping for what's in front of me.

Yesterday, in my short 10 minute commute to work, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I have to stop wishing away this season of life. 

I am a planner.  Always have been.  And really, that trait comes in handy with the career I am in.  Always prepared and ready.  Always knowing what is next.  But in life, let's just be real, our plans really never pan out the way we think they will.  I will be 30 in October (AHHHH!), and if my plans would have gone the way I wanted, I would be a stay at home mom with a few kids by now. 

The thing about my plans, is that they were MY plans--not God's plans.  God has obviously planned something very different for me.  Why is it so hard to accept God's plans over my own-when I know that ultimately, His plans are perfect and wonderful, and are much more than I could fathom? 

And as I drove, I began to think--I have to accept this place He has me. And not only accept it, but find the beauty in it.  I have to shift my thinking to the here and now, instead of wishing for the days to come.  Because, really, our days are short.  And every day matters.

So, as I am a month and a few short days from 30--I am accepting that instead of being a mom with my own kids, I am a Kindergarten teacher to 18 of the cutest kids ever.  I am accepting that I am not a stay at home mom and wife, but a working woman who may be a bit of a workaholic and who can rarely keep her house clean.  I am accepting that instead of investing my time into my own children, I get the privilege to invest my time and energy in my students--some of which need me to show them the love of Jesus. 

And not only do I accept this path that God has placed me on, but I am going to start rejoicing in it.  Because I am not worthless--He has given me a spirit of POWER--He has given me an amazing responsibility to LOVE His children, whom He treasures.  He has given me such a passion for working with  kids and a career where He can use me to teach love, compassion, friendship, and grace.  And that really is beautiful, and it really does matter. 

So, here is to being content in this season.  Here is to knowing I have all I need for right now.  Here is to knowing that God is good, and His plans are amazing, even with the hardships that certain seasons may bring.

Be Blessed!

 

It's All About Perspective...

God placed this one little word on my heart a few months ago--and I can't even tell you how life changing that one little word has been for me.

PERSPECTIVE. 

What is it about hard times that causes us to completely lose our perspective on life?  We get trapped in a mindset that what we have (or don't have) isn't good enough.  That this journey God has us on is just too hard.  That the people in our lives...well, they consistently let us down.  The list could go on.  It is so easy to get stuck in a place of negativity--especially when you feel like you can't see Jesus working.

Gosh, I have been living in that place of negativity for FAR too long.  And I don't even know how it got to be as bad as it did.  I had always been a positive person--happy and cheerful.  And then life happened, and BOOM--hope is lost, nothing is ever going to be ok, blah...blah...blah.  Ol' satan knows just how to play those mind games with you.

I guess it was way too easy to have tunnel vision--to only see the bad things. To focus so much energy on the bad.  To completely lose sight of all that is good.  And in life, there are always going to be "bad things"--we know that we are always going to face trouble.  But how are we going to choose to face those troubled times, those horrible things that make no sense?

IT'S ALL ABOUT PERSPECTIVE.

I am re-training myself to look for the GOOD in everything.  Because it is there.  Sometimes it is hiding, and we have to search with all that is in us.  Sometimes the good may be the silliest thing or the smallest thing, but it is always there.   We have a choice in the way we see things in life, the way that we perceive.  It is OUR choice.  And if we want to see everything though eyes of negativity--well, the joy is going to be sucked right out of our lives.  Trust me, I know.  Life is too short for that, friends.

There are few things I know for sure in this life--but the ones I do know are this:
1. God is always working.
2. God already knows the plan for my life.
3. God is good, and He wants good for me.

Focusing on those things RIGHT THERE...keeps my perspective in check.

The other night my husband and I were talking--and he told me that lately I seemed so much happier. Our circumstances have not changed, we are still facing some of the same struggles we have been dealing with for a long time.  But I have chosen to change my perspective on those things.  It is amazing how much joy I have felt--just from changing the way I think about things.

So, today when you are looking on Facebook, and wishing you had something that someone else has--focus on what you DO have!  When your husband is getting on your last nerve, start listing all the amazing things about him.  When you think about how much you hate your job, thank God for giving it to you in the first place.  And when you feel like God isn't there--reflect on all He has already done--because, guess what, He is never giving up on you!

Be Blessed!!

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The Art of Letting Go...

I don't think that it is any coincidence that my devotion this morning started out with these words in big, bold letters:

THIS IS A TIME IN YOUR LIFE WHEN YOU MUST LEARN TO LET GO: of loved ones, of possessions, of control.  In order to let go of something that is precious to you, you need to rest in my Presence, where you are complete.                                                          {Jesus Calling, Sarah Young}

Letting things go is not something that comes naturally to me.  Not in the least bit.  It is something that has to be learned.  Something that has to be practiced over and over again.  There have been a lot of things floating around this brain of mine lately.  The kind of things that wake you up in the middle of the night, and don't let you go back to sleep. The kinds of things that seem to seep into your dreams.

I am opening myself up to Jesus.  Because the truth is-- I have no answers to any of the questions in my head.  All I have is His word, and I have to trust what it says.  I have felt so conflicted in my spirit--wondering which way to go--wondering what the next step is going to be--wondering if I even have the strength to take a step in the first place.  My feet have been cemented to the ground for so long.  I am just so ready to move.  To move to a more beautiful, fulfilling place in life.  Jesus is already offering that me--I just have to take it.  I have to muster up the courage to step out in faith, to trust Him with the most important things in my life. 

I have been praying that the Lord would speak to me.   And He has been.

I felt Him saying so clearly to me, "Start writing things down.  Write down the small things, and the great.  Write down your fears, your triumphs, your questions.  Write them down because you ARE going to see my faithfulness.  I want you to have an account of my goodness. I want you to be able to see how I am working."

So, that's exactly what I have started doing.  I have been writing to Jesus.  And being more open and honest than I ever have been.  So often it is easy to hide.  To hide behind smiles or closed doors.  To hide what's really hurting you because it may not seem "Christian-like" to have feelings of confusion or doubt--or even anger.  Writing has been therapeutic in a way.  Sometimes no one really understands and it can leave you feeling so. so. alone--but Jesus always does.  He knows the deepest crevices of my heart.  And somehow, He loves me.

He has always been faithful to me.  And that isn't going to stop.  So, here's to practicing the art of letting go--to moving into grace and joy--and to letting Jesus be enough.

Be blessed, friends!

 

Oh, Soul...

"Soul, why are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me?"- Psalm 42:5

David's words from Psalm 42 have been echoing in my mind the last few days.  And I find that I am uttering very similar words to my own soul.

Soul, why can't you snap out of it?

Soul, why are you so worried?

Soul, why are you so disheartened?

Soul, why do you feel so hopeless?

Soul, when will you rejoice again?  WHEN?

I know I often blog about this dry, desert season I am in.  And if you read, you may be thinking to yourself..."this season is never ending,"  and the truth is, it feels that way most of the time.  The honest truth is that there are days when I feel like the Lord has forgotten all about me. Prayers all around me are being answered, but my prayers are exhausted and hard to speak.  There are more days than not that I feel like I am blindly walking through this life, just holding on to that last bit of hope with all of my might.

The Lord has been very quiet in this season of life.  And I am desperately longing for His voice.  For just an "It's going to be ok.  I've got this."  My head knows that my heart and life are being held in His hands.  My head knows exactly what His word tells me.  The truth.  But my poor soul...my poor, weak, little soul is struggling.

David puts it so accurately when he says "My soul pants for you, God.  My soul thirsts for you."  There is nothing I want more than to feel close to the Lord.  To feel like I did in the days before this season began.  For my soul to be quieted by His love, and His grace.  For my soul to truly understand that despite all the gloominess, that there is always a reason to rejoice.  I have to find my Joy again.  And even though it may feel as if the Lord has left my side, He is right there.  Ready to pour His joy into me.  Ready to take this soul and change it.  So, for now, my soul needs a major pep talk...

Soul, it is going to be ok!

Soul, the Lord will quiet you with singing!

Soul, there is always HOPE!

Soul, a time of rejoicing is coming!

"My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you (your goodness, your mercy, your love, your sacrifice, your peace)..."  Psalm 42:6

Lord, bring to mind all the things you have done.  All the miracles.  All the healing.  All the beautiful things. All the ways you have rescued me. And let these things bring joy to my soul--even on the hardest of days.

Be Blessed!

 

What 2013 Taught Me...

Another year is gone.  Just like that, it is over.  And a new year is here.  I still can't believe it is already 2014!  This past year, like every year, had it's highs and lows, challenges, and joys.  And every year, there are lessons to be learned.  Here are the things that 2013 taught me...

• Life goes so quickly.  And I feel like the older I get, the faster the years seem to whiz by.  I often take time for granted, wishing for what the future holds, and not living in the here and now.  And I have missed out on a lot of joy because of that.  No more of that.

• God's love for me is perfect.  I have always known this--but this year I feel like I have actually learned what that truly means.  When something is perfect--it is unwavering.  And that means that God doesn't love me more when I am doing everything right, and He doesn't love me less when I am a huge mess.  Finally getting that fact has changed my life.  Seriously.

•   Letting go doesn't mean giving up.  This year I made a huge decision to let go of my plan.  And that was hard.  Really, really hard.  It broke my heart a bit.  But the second I let go, God took over and began pouring out the blessings.  There are so many things I am still praying for, and believing for, but I think I am right where I should be for now. 

• I belong in the classroom.  After a few confusing years of not teaching--I have realized that teaching is my calling, no matter how hard I tried to fight it.  Another thing I have realized is that teaching is my gift.  And instead of wishing I had a different gift, a more "spiritual" gift, I am thankful that God has given me such an amazing opportunity to love on the kids that enter my classroom every single day.  Teaching is a huge responsibility--especially when you think of it in the spiritual manner.  What I do and say each day matters.  Maybe not today, or next year, but it will influence my students.

• No matter how busy life gets-you have to make time for what is most important.  This year has been so incredibly busy.  I have been working a ton.  My hubby has been working a ton.  And while we love our jobs, and want to give our jobs our very best, sometimes we have to let go of things.  Let's be honest--our relationships with Jesus, our spouse, our family, our friends--those are the things that matter most.  In order to have any relationship--you must give it time, and attention.  I don't want to lose sight of what matters.

So, now that it is 2014, I am sure there are a million more lessons to be learned, mistakes to be made, and fun to be had.  And I welcome that.  My hubby and I were talking about our "goals" for 2014, and I can say that my goal is just to love better.  To love Jesus more.  To love my husband more.  To love my family and friends better.  To love others with a selfless heart.  And to love myself the way God created me.  Because, friends, that is what it is all about.

Happy New Year and blessings to you all!  I have no doubt that 2014 is going to be exploding with God's goodness.

When You Choose Joy...

I think we can all agree that this life is not always rainbows and butterflies.  Life is hard.  It is full of new challenges every single day.  And sometimes, those challenges can give you jaded vision. Sometimes those challenges can lead you down a path that takes you to a place you would rather not be. And one day you wake up and wonder how you even got to that place. 

I can testify this from experience.  I mentioned in my last post that I had gotten to one of those "something's gotta give" places.  I got to a point where I decided I could either be miserable or I could CHOOSE joy.  I could CHOOSE Jesus.

It isn't always easy, friends.  And I hate to admit that.   I know, deep down, that I will always choose Jesus--but that means letting go.  I am not good at that.  It's hard to let go of the hurts, and the confusion, and the questions.  It is hard to let go of expectations and feelings of inadequacy.  But what I realize, time and time and time again, is that when I do--things become clearer.  My spirit longs for Jesus again.  My heart trusts.  Those things that seem unbearable suddenly are healed.  Those things that seem impossible, become possible again.  And you cannot help but be joyful.

By choosing joy again, my life has been changing.  In a REALLY GOOD WAY.  I find myself desiring Jesus more and more.  Craving my time with Him.  I find myself praying that I will allow Him to satisfy my soul.  That my joy will come solely from knowing that HE LOVES ME.  He loves my heart.  And the relationship I have with Him is the most sacred relationship that I could ever have--and it's just between me and Him.   And it doesn't have to look a certain way.  My relationship with Jesus doesn't have to look just like hers...or his...or theirs...no, it is mine.  I have focused my eyes back on what is really important.  And I pray from the depths of my heart, that my eyes will stay fixed on Jesus.  And when those trials come again (and we all know they will) that instead of turning to the right or the left and seeing trial after trial--I will only see Jesus.

So, choose joy, friends.  I had a dear friend tell me that you may have to make that choice every day...or every hour...or every minute.  But always choose joy.

Be Blessed!

Time for a "Catch Up" Blog

Wow.  It has been a long time since I last blogged.  Life has been full of changes, events, and just a whole lot of busyness.  I figured I would write a quick blog to catch up on what has been going on--list style of course!

• I started teaching again this year.  Kindergarten.  I forgot how much energy those little munchkins have!  It has been absolutely crazy, challenging, stressful--but so incredibly rewarding and beautiful at the same time.  I knew from the beginning that me getting this job was no coincidence.  The way that GOD worked it all out--was nothing of my own doing.  And there are days where I have to remind myself that He has equipped me to work with these kids.  I have already come to love them like they were my own.  Everyday their hugs and "I love yous" make all the tough days worth it! I think it has filled a void in my heart, for now, and I am thankful for that.

• My sweet sister got married a week ago.  It was so incredibly beautiful!   She was beautiful.  The whole thing...just beautiful!  It was so much fun being able to catch up with family and friends and to get away for a weekend!  I made it through my responsibilities of singing during the ceremony and giving a toast without completely bursting into tears.  I consider that a huge accomplishment!  And I realized that my hubby has some killer moves on the dance floor :)

• Now for a bit of honesty...I think that I came to one of those "rock bottom" places in life over the last several months.  I slipped into a place that was full of sadness, hopelessness, and even some bitterness.  I didn't want to see friends.  I didn't want to do anything but sleep. I definitely did not feel close to God.  And I felt like I was losing my mind. I finally reached a place where I realized that I was just letting Satan win.  I was basically handing my joy right over to him without a fight.  I think in life we can probably say that we all get tired of fighting sometimes.  Just plain worn out.  Especially when it seems like things are never going to get better.  But friends, we have to just keep fighting, and we don't have to do it alone.  I finally broke down one day, and begged the Lord to heal my heart and to fill me with hope again.  And, long story short, He was faithful to answer me.  For the first time in a really long time, I feel peace.  Peace with where God has placed me right now.  And instead of asking "why?" over and over, I am trusting that He knows what He is doing.  It is pretty apparent to me that when I try to do it by myself, I fail.  EVERY TIME.

• I desperately desire more Jesus.  And in the craziness that is my life right now, I am learning how important it is to make time for just being still and spending time with Him.

• I am pretty sure I have the Christmas bug...and pretty sure I am going to start decorating next weekend.  Before Thanksgiving {GASP!}.   I love this time of the year.  And for the last two years, David and I didn't get to decorate because we were moving--so I plan to do it big this year!

• On the health side of life--I have been sick, alot.  Nothing horrible, just enough to make me feel miserable.  On top of that, I have lost ten pounds since I started teaching.  I mean, I am not going to say that I don't like losing ten pounds, but I don't like losing it because of stress and unhealthy eating habits.  So, all that to say, I could use your prayers.  I desperately need to get better at taking care of my body--eating healthier and exercising.  I know I would feel a lot better :)

Well, I think that is all for now :)  Or at least all I can think of.  Until next time...(and hopefully it won't be three months!)

Be blessed!

A Reminder...

Last night, I was attempting to sleep.  But I couldn't.  My mind and heart were racing.  And my spirit felt crushed.  I pleaded in thought that God would give me just a glimmer, just a glimpse of what is to come, just a reminder that He has my deepest concerns in His hands.  A reminder that when my heart hurts, He knows, and more importantly, He cares.

I did what I always do--I put earphones in, cranked up the praise music, and disappeared to a place that allows me to just rest in His presence. I sat and listened to the God breathed lyrics, and every song that happened to come on my Bethel Pandora station reminded me that the God I serve is beautiful.  And BIG.  Bigger than any feeling or emotion.  Bigger than the huge boulder that seems too heavy to move.  Bigger than the range of mountains that look impossible to climb. And the fact that God is that big, but still loves me and cares about me...literally brings me to tears.

Hillsong's This is Our God came on.  And the lyrics--"I will fall at Your feet, and worship You here,"  just pierced my soul.

I can come to Him and fall at His feet...
broken
tired
confused
heartbroken
weary
And He accepts my worship.


I can worship Him...
 right here
right where I am in this life
in the midst of trial

I can worship Him because He is...
GOOD
MIGHTY
JUST
BEAUTIFUL
STRONG
MY REFUGE
THE LOVER OF MY SOUL
MY REDEEMER
CREATOR 
MERCIFUL 
FULL OF GRACE
MY FRIEND
MY SAVIOR
THE ONE WHO KNOWS MY HEART
HOPE
MY ANCHOR


No matter what we see in this life--He will always be all of those things. He will always be everything that I need.  Nothing can or will ever change that.

Be blessed!

An Ode to Friendship...

This post may be a bit sappy.

Sorry {but not really}.

This morning, I was sitting on my couch, sipping coffee and having a conversation with Jesus.  It felt amazing to be in His presence.  I started praying for my sweet friends, and I got a bit choked up.  Ok, a lot choked up.  And an overwhelming sense of thankfulness flooded my heart.

You see, I have the greatest friends in the world.  Really, I do.  I have done nothing to deserve such great people in my life, but I am so thankful God decided to cross our paths.

I had a conversation with my wise sis-in-law, Christy, not too long ago, and she reminded me of this story.  Such a beautiful portrait of what friendship is...

"And it came to pass, when Moses held up his hand, that Israel prevailed: and when he let down his hand, Amalek prevailed. But Moses' hands were heavy; and they took a stone, and put it under him, and he sat thereon; and Aaron and Hur stayed up his hands, the one on the one side, and the other on the other side; and his hands were steady until the going down of the sun."

Exodus 17:11-12

I can say that my friends are very much like Aaron and Hur.  When I felt like I couldn't hold my arms up any longer, that I was just too weak, those very friends swooped in and held my arms up for me.  They were my support.  They were able to be strong for me when I just couldn't be.  Isn't that how friendship should be? 

So, this post is an ode to friendship.  

God gave me the greatest friends in college--Katie and Merry.  I prayed for them before I ever knew them--and God went beyond my expectations when He blessed my life with their friendship.  They have seen the good in me, and the not so good, and have loved me unconditionally.  They have inspired me, and kept me accountable.  Their lives and stories are a constant encouragement to me--the way they seek Jesus is just beautiful.  No matter the distance between us (and that distant is about to get exponentially larger!!), we will always be a part of each others lives.  I praise God for them :)

Then there is my sweet circle of girlfriends I have here in Pensacola.  I don't even know what to say about these women.  All I know is that God knew I needed them.  I have never doubted that God brought us back to live in this area for a reason--and I truly believe that one of those reasons was so that I could be a part of a family of sisters who truly seek Jesus.  These women are real, and they have allowed me to be real and honest.  They have allowed me to let my guard down.  I can't even express in words how much these ladies mean to me.  I have never felt more loved by a group of girls.  They are truly my spiritual sisters.  And when these girls say they are praying for you, they mean it!  It is amazing to see how God placed us all together--how we have had different situations, but very similar journeys.  How we have been able to encourage one another, cry with one another, and definitely laugh with one another!  So, to you girls (and you know who you are)--I love you.  I am thankful for each of you. So very thankful.

And lastly, there is my sister.  My one and only little sis.  Over the years, I have seen our relationship blossom into a beautiful friendship.  We are as different as can be, but I think that is why we get along so well!  I love that we will always have a connection, as sisters, that I can never have with anyone else.  My sis is getting married soon, and I feel so incredibly honored that I get to stand beside her on that day.  She is beautiful, inside and out.  Love you, sissy.

Take some time today to love on your friends.  They say that good friends are hard to come by :)  so hold on to your friendships with all you have and be intentional!  I will end with this sweet little quote from the very wise Winnie the Pooh:  

"No one can see the seeds of friendship, but they grow in to something beautiful."

Be blessed!

Pray Without Ceasing...

Prayer.  The lifeline to the very God who knit us together--who knows our every thought.

We pray when we are thankful.  When we are terrified.  When we need something bigger than ourselves.

And God--He hears us.  Even when our mouths can't even formulate the words, He knows.

You know, there are things that I have been praying for over the last 3 years.  Big things.  And at times, it took all I had to even mutter the words to Jesus.  Because it felt like He didn't hear me. 

But I kept on praying.  Even if it was as simple as saying "please help me, Lord."  The Word tells us to pray without ceasing.  So, I tried to do just that.

I know that God is faithful.  And when I look back on my life, and see how He worked everything out, how His hand was on me and the ones I love, I am amazed.  Recently, God answered a prayer.  In an unexpected place and time.  And it was literally the most beautiful thing I have experienced in a really long time.  Because God was there...His presence was so evident and so strong.  I can't even put into words what it did for this doubtful heart of mine.  Once again...God completely blew my mind.

Be encouraged...God hears you.  He works things out in His perfect time.  So, be patient...pray without ceasing...and you will see the goodness of the Lord.  I have a feeling that I am going to have some amazing things to blog about...God is up to something big!

Be Blessed!!
Jenn

{P.S.  No, I am not pregnant...for those of you who are bound to ask :)  But we are trusting and believing for that, too!}

When You Feel Lost...

This probably won't be my most eloquent of posts. Today I am just feeling lost and hurt and worn out.

For over a year, I have felt completely lost.  I feel like I am just floating along with no purpose and no direction.  No meaning.  And alone.  Just all alone.  I wake up every day praying that this will be the day where God reveals something big to me.  And I wait, and I listen.  I beg the Lord to show me something, anything, that will make my heart feel better.  But instead, I get silence.  And I wonder sometimes...is God really close to the broken hearted, to those broken in spirit?

Today, I was in my kitchen baking cookies and singing worship music, and something hit me.  Why don't I just let God do His work behind the scenes, and trust that it is going to restore some of this brokenness, that it is going to be a game changer?  All of my waiting is not wasted on our God.  My prayers are never wasted.  My tears, not wasted. Maybe my purpose right this second is to wait.  And instead of getting frustrated everyday, maybe I should just dwell here in the waiting. Maybe my purpose is to just keep seeking God and trusting that when He says He has a plan for me that wasn't created to harm me, but to prosper me, He means it!

See, God is close.  Even in silence, He is close.  He is the sweet little song birds whistling in the trees.  He is the warmth from the sun.  He is the laughter and smiles of a child.  He is that feeling of peace that comes over you as you pray.  He is the encouraging words from a friend.  Yes, He is here.  He is close to my side, and He is working.

A sweet friend of mine, who has let God speak through her into my life, reminded me in a conversation we had that God already knows my story, from beginning to end.  He sits on His throne knowing every single detail of this life.  And guess what, it ends in victory!  So, even as I struggle to know where I fit in and what comes next, I can rest assured that this story does not end in tragedy--but will glorify my Maker. 

Be blessed!

Hard to Love...

Let me start by saying that with this post, I am absolutely preaching to myself...with that being said...

Why do we pick and choose who we show love to?

Time and time again, we, as Christians, preach about love.  Giving love to others.  Loving others around us.  Loving those in our community.  Loving the needy, the poor, the bankrupt.

But I bet if we all looked at our lives--we would have people that we choose not to love.  We choose to let our pride, or our fear, or our hurts stop us from doing what we are called to do as followers of Christ. 

God doesn't give us an option on who we are to reach out to.  He doesn't say that we should just love the good people, and not the liars.  He doesn't say that we should just love the pure of heart, and not the cheaters and thieves.  He doesn't say that love only goes out to those who love us back. 

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”

John 13:34-35

 

"Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins."

1 Peter 4:8

 

 

LOVE COVERS A MULTITUDE OF SINS.  Just let that sink it...

 

There is someone I know that God is calling me to reach out to--and with all that I am--I do not want to do it.  Oh, I don't want to.  And I don't really know how.  But I can either sit back and ignore Him, believing this person has no good inside of them. Or I can remember that this person was created by God, which in itself IS GOOD.  That because God loves them, so should I.  That even the darkest of sins are covered by God's love and by Jesus' blood. 

 

I know that loving some people is NOT easy by any means.  But that is where God steps in, and softens our hearts.  He gives us His eyes to see past the bad, and to see a person's heart.  I would hate to know that someone didn't know Christ because I was too prideful not to reach out to them. 

 

The truth of the matter is that I am no better than my worst enemies.  Sin is sin, no matter how we try to justify it in our minds.  And I am so thankful that God decided to love me despite of all the bad in me.  Praise God for His grace.

 

Maybe that ounce of grace, that little bit of love that you show someone else would change their life.

 

Love and blessings,

 

It Is Well...

This morning, the words of  It is Well With My Soul  rolled off of my tongue.  I love that hymn.  I don't think it was a coincidence that God placed those lyrics on my heart. There is one line that hit me like a ton of bricks...one line that I want to be able to sing, and mean it with my whole heart.

Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

 

If you keep up with me or my blog, you know that David and I have been trying to start our family for a while now.  We faced an early miscarriage. We waited months to even start trying again afterwards.  And now every month that passes without a pregnancy seems to break my heart.  I do everything I can to stay hopeful and positive.  I know what God says about my life in His word.  I know that my intense desire to be a mother does not go unnoticed by the One who made my heart.  But sometimes, I feel like it is never going to happen. And what if it doesn't?  Would it be enough knowing that God's will for my life is perfect? 

 

Right after I found out I was pregnant, and days before losing the pregnancy, I wrote these words in a post. 

"God has patched up a heart that was hurting, and refilled my life with joy--He has renewed my passion for Him--so much that I knew that if He never answered my prayer the way I desired Him to, that I would somehow find peace resting in His hands."

I desperately long to be in that place again.  I could lie and say that my heart fully believes those words that I wrote several months ago, but instead, it's a struggle.  Some days are easier than others.  I am so thankful that God pours His grace over me when I doubt. 

So, for now, I keep praying.  I keep hoping.  I keep asking for forgiveness when I doubt. I keep telling myself that GOD IS ENOUGH.  I keep God's promises on the tip of my tongue.  And I keep singing the words of that old hymn...

It is well with my soul...WHATEVER my lot may be.

Love and Blessings!

A Late Night Blog...

Well, it's 12:46, and my eyes are wide open and my mind is running a million miles an hour. For some of you that may not seem late, but it is way past my bedtime. Good thing I don't have to wake up early tomorrow. 

Since I was up, I figured I would write a blog post about a bunch of random thoughts, since that's the way my mind works so late night, or early in the morning, whatever...so here goes.

• This weather lately is driving me crazy.  My body does not like the whole warm one day, freezing the next thing.  Springtime, I am desperately begging for you to come.  I need some time in the sunshine!

• Life Lesson:  When you are feeling like a loser and life gets tough, don't pull away from the ones who love you.  Those people are the ones who will speak life into you, love on you, and most importantly, make you laugh instead of cry.  More than likely, they love you just the way you are, flaws and all.  And don't forget to return the encouragement :)

• God often answers prayers in ways you really wouldn't expect.  And when you pray for things, expect God to answer.  In the book of James it says "But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord."  Ask, and believe.  It's that simple.

• Be familiar with God's promises for you, and speak them over your life.  Somedays, when I feel like giving up, I recite His promises for me over and over.  The more you say it, the more you believe it.  And the more you fill your mind with those promises, the less room Satan has to plant his lies.

• Choose joy.  And it may be a choice you have to make daily, or by the hour on some days.  A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. -Proverbs 17:22

• I'm starting to exercise again.  It's good for my heart--literally and figuratively.  I am even thinking about running another half marathon towards the end of the year.  My hubby will be training for a full marathon, so there is some motivation right there.  Glad I married someone who enjoys fitness...

• Do you ever believe that God keeps you awake some nights for a reason?  I do. It's a great time to reflect on His goodness, and have a heart to heart conversation with Him.  And sometimes, in the quietness, if you listen, You will hear him speaking to your heart.  Kind of makes not being able to sleep a beautiful thing.

I think that is all for now...

Love and Blessings,